never works. not really. only for a moment does the burden shift. and lift. and move. only for a moment do things seem to be lighter then they once were. and. still. i have so much to deal with. because. ive let so much get down and wasted and pile up all around me. and. i feel burdened. with. sadness. and. things are just so cramping here. and. alone. although ive always been alone i suppose. i always feel alone. really. thats why i left erie. because. i was becoming more alone there. then i wanted to be. and i dont like depressing matters. and. i wish more and more that i had a line or two and a few blunts to smoke. just to take off the edginess of everything. of course. and i can feel it growing. that laziness that usually comes along with my sad feelings. and i dont want it to be here. because. im tired of all of that. shit. i dont want to admit defeat. and i did say i would return in july. even if only for a moment. and i guess. returning in july is the best thing to do. i will make my way back out here again though. of course. maybe. i dont plan on remaining in erie though. because. i dont want too. theres no point. when you only have about 4 or 5 people to actually call your own. what is that. the. point. of. no. such. thing. i despise sarah now. unfortunately. because. like everyone else in my life im only good enough when she wants me to be. and im not really unhappy. just too sober for words. and too bored for more. i guess im a bit nervous about starting work tomorrow. but. not really. live and learn and grow and learn. and my missing anxiety is missing even more these days. now i just need something to do to keep my mind occupied so the thoughts dont come. and i dont want to feel the burden anymore. because. its all much too heavy. and heavy is never good. at. all. i wish my money wasnt taking so long. fate is controlling me despite my protest. of trying to do it all my way. i dont like it. getting in the way. each and every fucking day. all i wanted was a bit of drink. and maybe smoke. which will probably never happen. something else will get in my way. it usually does. because. we. are. enemies. now. life and i. constantly fighting one another. and i do wish i wouldve given that convict my number. at least i wouldve maybe been entertained a bit. instead of sitting in on a saturday night. this is torture. im not used to being home and sober on a fucking monday night. let alone a weekend. but. i guess. my period of dullness has come at an appropriate time. i may need to settle a bit. and be sheltered from the addictions i love so dear. because. ive burnt so many dreams down. and destroyed so many of my own worlds. that it does begin to hurt. so the period of dullness and boredom wont be missed. and dismissed. because. it apparently is time. for something like this. everyting does sort of happen for one reason or another. whether i like it or not.