and i miss it. truly. sincerely. because. the ride was pretty nice. no. more. of. that. now. no. no. all that left with joe and. the others. and. its alright. i guess. itd be better. if. the. feeling. werent. so. appealing. next time i think ill behave a little better. so. maybe. the. next. friend. i make won't leave. me. be. i just cannot keep people. its. a. rare. thing. for anyone i meet to last longer then a year. because. i am. fucked up. and down. and around. and you know. id help it if i could. but. i guess. thats how you know who the true people are. the. ones. who. remain. slightly. by. your. side. no matter what filth you carry around inside. and i dont blame joe. i. did. mess. things. up. quite a bit. but. i do those sorts of things these days. because. i lost my mind. a. few. months back. shit hit the fan. and my brain went right along with it. as did my heart as well. the heart. thats not what im missing. thats not whats broken. because. your heart is just an object. that keeps you ticking. i. lost. that. thing. that. makes. you. feel. that thing. that makes you feel. that piece of you that tells you when to love. and hate. and smile. and cry. i lost that piece of me. back. in july. it quickly died. snuffed. out. like a candle flame. once there. once lit. blown. simple. and quick. i guess. i just wish i could explain. to him. say to him. all the nonsense on my mind. and. i know he doesnt care. and i know im still obsessing. i am working on it. i swear. i just would like to say that me you know is not the me i really am but the me i was turned into for a moment or two. because. that piece i need is hiding or gone or missing now. and i dont think ahead. or behind. because. it makes me nervous all the time. and i dont want to cry. anymore. o. but. it. is. now. too. late. for. seconds chances. or passing glances. because. hes gone. i dont know why it matters so much to me. eventually. it will fade. i assume. tonight. is. no. different. DAN. that was a total mistake. totally. total. end of story. i wish my ghost would leave me. haunted. is. how. i. feel. this burden of guilt and regret just feels so fucking deep. all. of. the. time. and here i am being repetitive.