It has been declared cancer. Pancreatic cancer. John has it. He found out today and called my mother. He is ill, very ill, I guess. I am hurting now. My heart aches some. John and I aren't very close. He's my second father, step father. If we're counting accurately, he's my third father. My real one, Joe. My first step father, Bill. And John, my second. I haven't seen him since I dropped him off at the hospital. My heart feels guilty for that. My heart feels guilty for a lot of things right now. Too much to contemplate. We are going to see him tomorrow. I don't know how to feel. Part of me feels completely sad, while my other part feels numb and distant. We have all three been through hell and back with one another. Mother. John. Me. Fights, screaming, hitting, yelling, pushing, shoving, drinking, puking, and hatred. I don't know how to feel. My heart is sending mixed messages. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ death breathes now standing here between us a heavy cloud of despair surrounds us taunting all of our love all of our strenght all of our sanity death breathes now waiting in the shadows whispering sweet lies biding you to follow stay here with me stay close stay here near me death breathes now quickly his words come caressing your weak ears bribing your dying soul stay close now do not leave me i plead for you to stay death comes now walking slowly around us testing our love testing our control testing you you are gone now death has taken your hand has lead you away i am crying now i am in pain now i am so alone now death turns and smiles assuring me of his return some day death will breathe again ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I think the poem sucks. But even so I will dedicate it to John and all the others my mother and I have lost in the past. She's a wreck. I'm a mess. John's slowly dying. Some days I hate this world completely. I am done now.