she's sick i believe. m. she's come down with something. it's been growing for months. festering. i just really noticed this weekend. i won't let her go. i won't let her quit on me. she won't. she can't. i know her far too well to let it all go. tomorrow i'm going to seek help. we'll only make it with assistance. some guiding hand. i won't let her sit and fade away. her mind's struggling. against the head aches and neck pain and fading thoughts. she's stuck somewhere in between and i won't let it happen. i've already lost john. i won't lose her too. after her i'll have no one. absolutely no one left. i'm not giving up on her. or pushing that shit to the back of mind. i will think about it now. not later. i will do something now. not later. i will love her now. not later. i will not let her down now. nor later. it all makes me nervous. alzhiemers. what if that's it? what if? what if? beating in my brain. frightening. scaring the piss out of me. it's a prison worse then death. the fading of the mind. inch by inch by synapse. i won't. i can't. she won't fall into darkness. i will not let her. she brought me into this world. i will bring her back into it. today is the day of new. new light. new dreams. new wishes. new things. tomorrow. tomorrow. i won't put it off. i can't. it would be wrong to. horrible to. i'm scared. i don't want to hear what it might be. i don't want to. but i must. i must call and find and seek and get help. we'll do it together. her and i. i and her. she's my mother. she's my flesh. my bone. my blood. my light. i am all she has. she is all i know. i must hold onto that spark in her. i must keep it to the surface. i will not let it fade away. not like that. we're stronger then that. she's stronger then that. she's a bull in a china shop. a goddess. a soldier. a pit-bull with her head in the air. sniffing. waiting. to attack. she's stronger than the darkness. then the fading. i won't let it happen. i will not. i curse you that brings this upon us. i curse it all.