i do not know. what. tomorrow holds. or will hold. and my feelings to it all. and. no. i do not want to go home. because. back there. even back there. i have no real home. not. like the home i held on 32nd street. with the beast on wheels. and a psychotic dog. who barked every time i entered the room. and. i wonder about him now. and. the cat now. and. how they are. and whether or not i will ever see them again. and if heaven is what we want most. then. that is what i would like. i would like my heaven to be returning to the only home i knew as a home. no matter how dsyfunctional. and restless. and hurting. and harming. and lame. my home. in my heaven. my heaven would be. will be. the day or moment in time. when i find myself infront of our old little brown and white house. with the lovely pink tree infront. that only bloomed one week every year. the week it rained for seven days straight. my heaven. will be when i can walk back up those cold stone steps. and john and marcella and taz and loca will be waiting there. to greet me. my heaven will be. there. back there. where we watched that movie on new years eve. and ate ritz crackers. and laughed at the silliest things. and. in my heaven i will fall asleep to the sounds of john and marcella playing dice downstairs. or arguing. or drinking. or laughing. o god. how i miss them. how i miss that little fucking horrible house. that i hated so much. so deeply. so passionately. o god. how i wish this pain would cease. would finally end. and. leave my broken heart to rest. to rest. o lord. if you did exist. wouldnt you take it away. this horriblehorrible pain of memories lost. of memories gone. and dead. and turned to ash. right before my tear filled eyes. and. now it hurts more then ever. more then fucking ever. and i dont know why. i dont know why. but. o god how i do try. to let it go. to let it be. and it seems that now my memories are all thats left of me. if i could. if there could be. some sort of surgery. to remove this emotional tumor. i would sign up immediately. instantly. because. i do not believe it will ever ever ever leave. o god. how i ache from thoughtless head. to long ago broken toe. o god. if you were there wouldnt you take it away. wouldnt you give them back to me. and forget how much i hated. and wouldnt this all be some taught lesson. learned. the. hard. way. o how it never seems to be. or leave. or cease. i do not know how to HEAL. i do not know how to DEAL. all i know is feel. all i know is the loneliness of missing those things that only i could love. and spent so much useless spoiled time hating. my heaven. will be. returning home. to 32nd street. where. marcella. john. taz. and. loca. wait. holding. my. seat.