i investigated. myself. today. my behavior. and why i do the things i do. and. what. may. be. wrong. with. me. unfortunately. i found myself listed in a book. about. schitzophrenia. schitzoid personality disorder. and. borderline personality disorder. those. are. my. matches. my. soulmates. or so it seems. reading the characteristics of both. was. troublesome. because. it. fit. me. to. a. tee. "often wanders around in a perpetual fog" "has virtually no friends or confidants that are not first-degree relatives" "has intense relationships that markedly change over a short period of time" "unpredictable behavior concerning drugs, alcohol, gambling, money spending etc" "is a loner" "has social anxiety usually based more on paranoia then self confidence" and. it. went. on. and. on. and the more i read the more i was looking at myself in writing. and it stings. to know. that. i. may. have. a. problem. and this is why i fuck up everything all.of.the.fucking.time. i am getting so tired of all the memories in my mind. so tired of all of the lies ive told. all of the mistakes ive made. all of the people ive hurt. and harmed. in one vicious way or another. and its always too late for apologies. always. too. fucking. late. i know i should MOVE ON ALREADY. and id like too. but. being here with no one to really talk to. and. i. mean. danielle. and. lisa. it all just keeps coming. and coming. id. like. to. go. back. home. to the time before i met. joe. or aimee. or dan. or joel. or jon. or everyone. and before everything that happened these past couple of years. i would like to go back home to the home i knew. and loathed. close. and comfortable with my mother and john. and here i am crying again. and i just want it all to stop. because. its pathetic. and drastic. and i am happy. i am. i guess. but. there is just so much burden on my mind. still. still. and it always gets so hard to breathe. i am a mess.