the year before last. this was the last real dinner my mother and i had together. she felt better. while i made dinner. ham. greenbeans. mashedpotatoes. stuffing. rolls. all our favorites. the usual meal. we had every easter. but that time i had to cook. because she didnt feel up to it. and i just wanted a bit of normalcy. and she did seem clearer. brighter. happier. and she made sense. and we chatted it up a bit. and watched the tellie. and it felt like it was on the path back to the good old days. but. NO. that next day. she wet herself and refused to get up. and when i screamed and yelled and cursed and threatened to leave. she said. NO PLEASE STAY. and through my anger i left away. almost to school i turned back. and it all unfolded then. it all fell apart like hell burning down heaven. finally. and happily. how can i deal with it? how can i suck it up and accept it? how can i look back on the past two years and feel anything other then complete sadness and sorrow and guilt and regret and then the inevitable pain of watching her die? i cant escape it. because it all lives deep in my mind. it all remains deep in my heart. theres so much burden. that i dont know how to get rid of it. how to make it lighter. i wish i could just keep telling the story until it finally made sense. until it finally ended. happily. easter sunday. i shouldve known better. i shouldve done something sooner. but i let her die. and i woke her to die. and through it all she sort of knew. right now i dont want to be here. i dont want to be breathing. i want to be nothing. nothing known or missed or loved or alive. i dont wish to be dead. i wish to just be forgotten. and here i am crying again. feeling sorry for myself again. hating myself again. i dont want to be. i wish i could get over it. i wish i could just get over it. but it was all so tragic. it was all too real. and mean. and frightening. and painful. i wish i didnt always have to learn the hard way. i wish i could hug my mom today. i wish i could hear her say my name. i wish i could just let it go. i wish wishes came true. like they do in movies. where you actually get a second chance. it burns. it burns. so much. ---------------- jorge and i are repairing and it feels good. and nice. and stupid. because i dont mean what i say. i only mean what i think. and sometimes the two get crossed and wrong. and confused. through and through. im thankful hollywood. because hes been my best friend here. so far. and i guess i cant expect him to shut the hell up all of the time. i mean it is a frienship built on truth and lies and insults. hes a good punk. some. times. and. im satisfied that ive met an equal out here. my type of guy. hahahaah. youre nuts. seriously. out here its like a movie. everyone i know is a character and a brilliant one at that. its like chillin all day in a warm summer breeze in the shade of a tree. relaxing. smoking. snorting. rolling. breaking. loving. and. being. whenever i get down. i talk to myself. outloud. reciting. the list of things im thankful for. because ive had and done and wanted less. im thankful. for. friends. family. being loved. being liked. my pillow. my bed. my room. my hollywood. and rob. my doctor sades. even though. shes rented. im thankful for. my job. my money. my food. and the floor i walk on. because i could be outside. all of the time. im thankful for. this computer. my cameras. my phone. and my loved ones back home. danielle. angelina. lisa. will. little will. dyanna. nevaeh. stosh. and those indian kids. people who knows my name. and never use it in vain. im just thankful. for everygoddamnthing. because i try to remember the horrible times. my life needs repair. but. it isnt over. i just need to fix it. unfortunately. again.