I can't help my addictions. It's hard to let go of things you've grown so used too. I let Pat go. I let Keith go. I guess I just have to let myself go. Get a grip on this circus of life. Try to gain an understanding of my own ways. I wish I could change things. About myelf. My bitterness. My sadness. My all around growing anger. What can ya do? Nothing, but sit and wait for the sky to clear up and everything to be as it once was before. I passed all of my classes, well except the one I withdrew from. I passed. I am officially a senior in college. I am officially nervous about my future. I don't want the ordinary 9 to 5, 3 piece suit hell. I don't want to be caged up in a cubicle picking my nose while nothing ever happens. I don't want to be trapped with a husband or children constantly crying and pleading for attention or brand name cereal. I don't want the usual life. I don't care much about my lawn or my garden. I don't want the ordinary, every-day, make me want to shoot myself life. Now that I'm clear on what I don't want, I just have to figure out what and how to get what I do want. Damn life. I wish I didn't find the need to complain so much. But what can ya do? Nothing. I'm not sure what lesson this semester should have taught me. I'm not sure if I should have learned anything from these odd experiences. Maybe I just realize now that nothing does ever change, that it's just the same old crap time and time again. That there's no real need to get upset because one way or another the bad things will fade and the good things will come. It's all a cycle of self loathing and self pity. I wouldn't have it any other way. Really. This life is the only one we get to live. It's sad that I feel rejected and a little hurt, but I won't stop breathing because of these messed up situations. I love how I constantly counsel myself. It never works, but yet I try and try. I need to get a shower before I go visit. I smell. Done for now.