i dont know what it is. and how it is. but it is. this sudden depressing feeling. this down and out and alone feeling. sad. in a way. but for no particular reason except for the reasons i cannot change for the better now. i wish it had worked out differently. that he had stayed interested in me. but i think hes finally over paying attention to me. and i to him. it does me no good. the more attention i pay the less he pays. its weird. how people react to one another. i wish i didnt cause things to get so weird with people. push it beyond the limits and then stand back and wonder what happened. i wish he couldve been mine because he is sweet and funny and nice and protective. and i wish i hadnt drawn the line and made it clear that we are not friends and will never be again. if we had been at all. what am i suppose to do? the only way to get over anything is to eliminate it all together. and since i cant not be around him i can limit how much we interact at all. i dont know. i wish i had taken a chance or made some sort of move. and i did. but only when i was extremely intoxicated and out of my mind. o well. another one lost for one stupid weird reason or another. maybe someday ill be worth sticking around for or taking a chance on. and not for the wrong reasons but for the nice reasons of just wanting to be a part of my fucked up life. maybe. someday. im uncomfortable and annoyed lately. maybe its the job. maybe its still wanting someone i cant ever have or never had the chance of having. how stupid i know. how ridiculous to be focusing so much on someone who probably never allows a thought of me to ever pass through his mind. except a long time ago when he got drunk. and felt the need to call me only to tell me how worthless i was. i dont know. like i said. i wish it hadnt gotten so weird. for a moment there it was nice. but. let go. as usual. let it pass. let him fade away like all of the rest. eventually i wont see him again like all of the others before. i need to concentrate on me. finding me. being me. accepting me. and fixing me. its been so long since i put in any effort for living. that ive almost forgotten how to do it. how to get up each morning and actually accomplish things without drinking being my only goal entirely. its been so long since ive tried to be anything real at all. alive. breathing. and functioning. it seems to hard for some reason. being sober. being awake. being aware of what all is going on. im not used to living really. im used to hiding. staying wasted. being wasted. and living wasted. having my days just blend together until i find myself a week later sick hungover and sad all over again. i do not want to wake up disappointed in myself ever again. i do not want to be ruled by this addiction any longer. i want to be a real person and have real things. and do real things. make things. dream things. write things. and remember things. i want to see myself fall in love. and be real. and feel real. I AM TIRED OF THE ROUTINE OF BEING A DRUNK. id like to see the world with open eyes. id like to become the person i couldve always been if i hadnt stopped living. I WANT TO MOVE ON. I WANT TO WAKE UP AND BREATHE. I WANT TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SEE A PERSON I CAN BE PROUD OF. I WANT TO AT LEAST GIVE LIFE A SHOT. i want to make my mother proud. like before.