i dont understand. i dont understand. the way life keeps working out. im tired of being poor. im tired of suffering through pain others wouldve given up on. im tired of being poor. i lived in a trailer for 2 to 3 to 4 months without heat. without fucking water pipes. which means no water at all. which means no refridgerator. which means no cold food. which means no warm meals because theres no gas. and the only thing that kept me alive was my dog and cat and their body warmth. and us cuddling together in a bed and the one tiny barely working electric heater heating us barely. and waking up and going to be in 4 to 6 layers of fucking clothes. and thank god i lost weight or i wouldnt have been able to pile them on. and keep warm. and keep alive. and i was so miserable. and so tired. and so sad. and fucked up shit kept happening because apparently "god" and my mom felt as though i could handle more and more and more. and not break. and not slit my wrists. no matter how fucking bad i wanted too. and i remember those days and i wonder if i am worthy of anything. arent i. worthy of a rescue. of some help. of a good hand. i dont mean to play the self pity. but. you try living day after day on one fucking granola bar because it cost 25 cents. and on peanut butter. a jar a week. and nothing more. and keeping warm by one electric heater in the dead of fucking winter. and a dog only to keep you alive. while you keep him alive. i appreciate the small things. but fuck all if i dont want a big thing. i want things. im sorry. but im tired of being poor. im tired. so tired of living off of the necessities. dame you karma. ive paid my dues. time and time again.