I've been sitting here wondering about what I should write. I'm still not sure, so like any professional I'll just let it flow. I actually called Big K tonight. Almost an hour or so ago. He talks a lot and he talks pretty fast. He's from Delaware, but he doesn't mention it much. I've learned it's best not to ask. We talked about random crap. He was drinking Vodka, I was attempting to smoke up, and I stress attempting. So he either hung up on me or we got cut off, either way our conversation ended. I tried calling back with no luck. I left my number, but I'm sure he won't ever call back. I know him enough to not expect anything. Unlike SEB. She needs to let go I think. It isn't healthy to hold onto neglected dreams. I don't think I'll tell her K and I spoke briefly. I don't want to be put in the middle of someone elses drama. I'm nervous lately. Anxious for something. Pat is on my mind. Strongly. I don't want to think about him. I'm almost over him, I can feel it. I was going to write a poem, but my inspiration is taking a break. I wish I knew what it was that my heart is missing. Sometimes I feel as though I don't really belong here, in this world with all this pain. Sometimes I feel like maybe earlier I committed some crime and lost my wings. Whatever I did I sincerely apologize. I just cannot see myself actually belonging in a world with so much pain, suffering, and injustice. I must ask where is God? Why did so many miracles happen so long ago, but now there are no visions or floods? What has changed? Nothing I'm sure. God created man. Man created God. Validation is all beliefs rest on. One's own twisted perception of their surrounding reality. Repenting is for the guilty. Life was meant to be enjoyed not corrupted. There is a war right now. Across the sea. In some distant land bombs are going off. People have died. More will die. It's so sad, yet so befitting when one examines society. Prime news has now become Reality Television at it's finest. It all weighs me down. Burdens my mind. Some are born plagued with an unworldly sadness. Deep down inside it hurts and burns. No medication in the world can cure the pain deep in the heart. The soul. I wish I could have been different. I wouldn't really change a thing about myself except for this sadness. This different view of life. Morbid. Weird. Strange. My favorite words. I wish the world could be safe for everyone. Wishes are only wishes. They don't happen. My mind and soul are so chaotic. Out of control. Pulsating madness. Raging insanity. The most beautiful images can be found in the most violent of actions. Like volcanos. Tornados. Vicious lions. Power is beauty. Unrelenting power. Compassion is beauty too. A hug. A pat on the back. A shoulder to cry on. So much too feel. So few to share with. We are each drifters in this world. Seperated travelers all seeking the same elusive paradise. Illusions are all we have, grand illusions. Sweet Dreams.