i dont know what the deal is. and id like to think im upset over more then not getting cocaine. then again maybe thats all i need to upset me now. why? i have no fucking clue. and not drinking is driving me insane again and its only been two fucking days. i just got done going on one horrible binge that left me so entirely sick yesterday that i wondered actually whether or not it would end. it took all day and night and day and night. and again i already want a drink. anything. a drink of anything. and by anything i mean a nice full bottle of cough syrup would even do. i used to get my kicks drinking that before. when i couldnt afford booze. and id do it again in a heartbeat if i didnt actually really not want to be a lush. a fucking waste. a goddamn alcoholic. and tonight my boy was supposed to hook me up with the whiteness and nothing. the little fucker renigged. and im pissed. but its not even really truly. okay its a bit about that but its mostly about my life right now. in terrible debt. my fucking dead mothers car stolen by some fuck i know. a crush i cant shake. friends i cant keep. on and on and on and on and on and on. im beginning to get a bad attitude and the outlook is not good. im afraid i might runaway again. for good. and enjoy it.