that's what that was. useless. a simple little IM. never means much. at all. he was online. briefly. i feel worse now. low. sad. tired. and self hating. i keep telling myself. he doesn't matter. i keep telling myself. to let it go. i hate him. i do. i hate myself more. for being me. this. thing. it hurts so bad. to want something. you will never have. there just seems to be no end. to all this bullshit. and such. and stuff. it hurts. to be me. it hurts. to be this. and that. and some more. i hope he has a grand life. with his grand little wife. i guess maybe. when it comes down to it. the down part. maybe it was a sign of the times. letting go is necessary. letting go is unavoidable. seb is lucky. she can have whom ever she choses. again i'm left alone. of all the things i wished i said. "i miss you" is the worst. there'll be no second chance. no winning glance. no wishing. no dreams. no wanting. i feel defeated all over again. pushed down. and stepped on. i should delete his little name. and call it a day. i guess in time. i will. once i'm too busy to remember. damn him. damn me. damn this life. i want to cry. but i won't. i'm getting better that way. i guess. it's just. after being alone so very long. it'd be nice. if someone wanted to be alone. with me. the one i wanted. i guess though. that graduation. and my new beginning. will decrease this sense of unworthiness. i'll go on. and leave campus. and the classes. and do something else. what does any of it matter? we'll all be dust in the end. dirt. piled upon dirt. decaying bodies. what will it all matter than? it won't matter a damn thing. dfn.