id like to write in blood. i have a fetish for the cruel things life has to offer. i have a fetish for the morbid and degenerate. such fetishes probably arent the healthiest thing for a girl to have. so they may say. so they say. so. say. i. but it doesnt matter because im not some ordinary girl. woman. female. opposite sexed thing. and. im growing more and more and more used to it. i often wonder. i often ponder. what it would be like if. i had a baby. if by chance i got pregnant. while still being a virgin. while still being so very pure. in the olden days such a thing wouldnt be possible. but. these days theres always artificial insemination. and. what if. what if. would it be against nature? would it be so weird? so different? so unnatural? and i cant help such thoughts. because theyre there in my brain. beating down beats so insane. i cannot help but dance along. and i love to ramble and not mean a word of what i say. i cannot stand committment. so even my opinions change. and rearrange. i have a bad habit of rooting for the winning team. unless of course i can benefit. or cannot possibly believe. there are days when slitting my wrists seems so appealing. no matter how the weather is fairing. then there are other days when i cannot get enough of this thing called life. and the minutes in between are either or. nothing permanent. nothing solid. im so shifty. so shady. so unbalanced. i cannot help but smile. because through all of my lies and denies and schemes and beliefs. i have never ever pretended to be fully alright. to be fully mentally straight. because. whether i like it or not. im not. stable. nor balanced. nor anything settled.