since i last seen the faces i once knew so well. could it actually be 4 years this upcoming april since i played and laughed and smoked and screamed and chilled on 7th street. since i seen angelina. since i held her - hugged her - protected her - and watched her. 3 more or so more children have been added to the mix. so many more people depending and wanting and moving and whining and doing their thing since i left. more family added then i will ever really truly know. because we/re not close anymore. if we ever really were. and its nice not being drunk or the drunk or the waste or the rockstar on the floor embarassing herself once more. its nice being separated from the people who know that me or think they know me oh so well or think things so pathetically about me that no matter how hard i try i will never be able to CHANGE. because. most of the time once theres a set opinion of you in someones mind. thats it. that is who you are and will be until the very bleak end. and. i wish i could feel more empathy for leaving behind all of these viciously lovely things. but. deep down inside i just want to be different. to be known for other things then snorting so much cocaine or drinking so much that i do one more horrible thing or project the wrong feelings onto someone i in all despair wish i could actually care about. but. ive grown so used to pretending to occupy my mind with these trivial emotions that dont really mean ANYTHING of IMPORTANCE but i like to pretend they do. because. if i was ever really honest with most around me they might not find the real answers behind my yearning or wanting so appealling as they once had. because. sobering up is waking me up and bringing about all of these weird emotions i havent bothered to feel for so long and it isnt easy not being numb or ignorant of all this matter. and. what doesnt matter. is the past. every little fucking bit of it is no longer first in my mind and will never be again. the way i see it im getting another chance at a brand new life and its solely up to me whether or not i actually want anyone else really in it. or to begin it or near it or even involved. why. because. im tired of hearing about how much i whine when everyone i really know is actually no different. selfpitying and too scared to risk anything because theyd rather sit sobbing about the failed things before them. at least im not afraid to fail and risk falling. ive fallen so much that getting back up is becoming almost expected and easier. in a way. and i ramble because i cant vent any other way and theres no longer anyone to really call. at least for now. theres no one very appealling on my list. i want new minds to consider and new friends to bewilder. i want to forget all of the wasted energy and politeness and kindness and move on. relax. forget. move. on. and. never. really. look. back. because. looking back only causes fear and doubt. and im through with all of that. im changed. im changing. and im fine with it finally. growing up fucking sucks. but. it isnt all that bad. i like what im learning about myself.