and i miss them. drugs. those intoxicating.mind.altering.substances. that awaken all those dead feelings inside. to nearly die is to be alive. and still months later i miss that feeling. that appealing.feeling. of cocaine. of weed. of 100proof vodka. by the bottle. and still months later i/d love to have just one more line. one more hit. one more shot. well. maybe two or three more of each. and still weeks later. she still creeps into my mind. at the most awkward of times. all those memories i so venomously despise. and.some.times.i.cry.on.the.bus. because. theres never a better time. nor place. and i like the way my shades hide my eyes. because. i can then look anywhere. at anyone. and still months later i/d do it all differently if i could. except the leaving part. because. thats what i shouldve done in the first place. i remained too long there. and. became one of them so quickly. i never seen it coming. out of the shadows and gripping me tight. but. i wont deny nor lie and say i/d change it all. just a few stupid things. just a few stupid things. ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' i heart george. because. he/s nice. because. he/s given me a place to stay. because. he/s enjoyable in a unsmothering way. ------------- i do not believe sarah and i will ever be close again. if we ever really were i/m very unsure. i do not particularly like her now. and. maybe its me and my changes and my new way of seeing everything. but. i cannot be dependent on others anyway so why start again these days. sarah has what she needs. bobby. and. thats all she/ll ever be. ------------------------------ i wish i had more profound things to discuss. i recently got the number of an art agent. i havent called her yet nor the number she gave me for the other guy. what are you waiting for. she asked. and. i must ask myself. what is it that i am waiting for? i think. no. i will. give her and the guy i call tomorrow. the things that have happened now. have happened for a reason or three. and. i have spent too much time turning my back on chances. eventually fate will give up. and. i cannot let it go this time. i cannot let it pass by like dust. i refuse to remain the same. -------------------------- tomorrow i will call darlene.