i dont know why i havent written in here forever.

things have changed again as they usually are meant too.

i no longer dwell in hell of las vegas.

i now reside and hide in texas.

a small town. a blip on a map. a no-finder-no-reminder of a place.

i moved here with the cowboy.

i moved here and became a problem all over again.

sobriety flew fast out of the window.

and here came the bruises and bites and fighting and marks.

the police called every other weekend until we were both homeless.

and i to the studio went to stay.

and he to his brothers went the other way.

and now.

here we are.

9 pregnancy tests later.

and that has changed too. my doubt about ever being a mother.

and now i worry from time to time because i dont feel pregnant.

but.

that happens as well i hear.

or so ive read.

so i have to put all worries down as dead.

my life is strange.

rearranged.

derranged.

and at times i almost forget that this is the thousandthbillion life ive had.

adding it to the ever growing list of newness.

i wonder what will ever become of us.

of me.

of you.