with the big hands and the big feet. he talks loud. he walks loud. he is loud. getting older has made me more impatient when it comes to crushes. i liked him. alot. in the beginning. he made me laugh just by looking at me. now. not so much. i dont have as much patience as i used too. either he gets it. and if he does. he doesnt care. and if he does by chance care. he doesnt seem too. so dont bother telling me about how "you shoulda come out" it was hella great. how could i come out. i wasnt invited. and then dont tell me. and i ask to come. and tell me no. fine. i wont ask. again. i dont like over analyzing. because all girls do. and i gave that up a long time ago. and maybe i was a little mean. or mad. or hurt. but the reaction was most likely 25% real and 75% coffee / pain killer induced. i actually dont care. and maybe i keep trying. because its been a minute since ive wanted to pay attention to someone. like him. and when im quiet people get scared. they think theyve upset me. when usually. im just not caring. just going through the motions until im done. and allowed to leave. but. i can only stay in LA LA crush land for so long before it becomes too boring. too lame. not what i need. but only reminding me of what i want. and i want affection. its been a minute since ive actually had a hug that meant anything special. with meggie gone itll be even longer now. i crave closeness. i crave feeling like i belong to someone. to something. to people. that care. the only reason i feel like i feel right now is because i go through these things. alone. and i come out. alone. it doesnt matter. this crush is fading and i hate when that happens. because it kills a bit of the good time. and just turns that person into an annoying thing to me. but i wont be mean. i cant be. i dont dislike him. i just dont have patience. to always smile. and always pay attention. i dont feel like having a crush. so i wont. i need a boy to play with.