"I hate you." It's true. She does. M has decided that she would've been better off not having me. I can't say I disagree. I've made her life miserable. Unbearable. I guess. This all started because I decided to get drunk once again last night. Decided to ease my pain. It didn't work. All it did was make things worse. I play the part and usually I win, this time however my game is unfit and loose. I'm losing. Well technically I've lost. I'm good at pretending and lying and cheating and using and dissing and regretting and playing and manipulating and teasing and hurting and ruining and on and on. I can see now why no one wants to get close to me. I'm infected with anger and sadness. I carry around this disease of unhappiness. How I wish I could start all over again. A brand new start. How I wish. I have a headache from drinking. It's funny how I get so tired and out of control at home. I can go all night when I'm out, usually. All night long I can keep drinking and talking and smoking and toking and going on. Not here though. A few shots and I'm down for the count. O it's all my fault. I can't deny that. I can't pretend it isn't. It's all my fault. I'm a fuck up. A complete fuck up. A natural disaster. What else can I say? I won't beg for forgiveness, it doesn't work anyways. No one really forgives and forgets. They just wait until they can bring up all the fucked up shit you've done in your life and make you feel horrible all over again. That's what M does. Since I've been old enough to get angry and speak. She brings up every word, every horrible action. The past is never really the past. It's all an illusion. What can I do? Nothing. Nothing, but let go this time. Let it all go. It's time for me to get serious about leaving. About moving away. I'd be happy if I could disappear. In May I'll be gone. I will really be gone. I won't write or phone or e mail or anything. I will leave them all behind. Everyone and everything. I will get a bus ticket up north and start there. I will work now and then at small places until I save up enough money to move on. I will drink myself stupid. I will find weed and smoke until I can't breathe. I will most likely become a whore, with reason. I will see cities and towns and small villages. I will never look back. I will smile the first time I see the ocean. I will eventually rest in a nice place with lots of nice people. I will than die. That's how I see it all happening. How I invision my life. Well the rest of my life. Once I leave I won't come back. Not even for a visit. They'll wonder about me. Wonder what happened. Where I am. What I'm doing. Why I left. I won't wonder about them. I won't think about any of them. I won't regret my decision. I won't regret any of it. M wished she never had me. "Abortion" M wished I was gone. M's wish will come true soon enough. I'm so numb right now it hurts. Actually hurts. Done for now.