this is what i am plagued by today, tonight. guilt. guilt for what i don't know. anything i suppose. it is all coming so quickly. and nothing is really coming at all. i feel guilty for a number of stupid things. and can't get it away. can't remove it. i hate guilt. the way it festers and rots and eats away all thats left. m has had a headache for weeks now. she's been sitting and sitting and sitting. doesn't move much. she reminds me of john. and how he sat and slept for so long before he passed away. i'm scared slightly. more nervous i guess. nervous and angry. she won't take advice and she won't move. she won't do anything. seb is still having the usual man problems. patrick is gone, very gone now. dani is working hard for her GED and other things. wen i don't know about her or her life right now. as for me. i am as i always am. scattered. falling apart. self hating. and sad. i have exactly one month and one week until the day of graduation. until life starts all over again. and i am once again shoved out into the open. unprotected and nervous. i'm always so nervous. so worried. so guilty. people say they live by no regrets. where i have a million. i'd do so many things differently if there was chance to do them all again. i would've left a lot sooner. i don't know what to feel or think or type or say or do anymore. i feel locked in. caged. i'm falling apart. health wise. i'm only 22 and turning to complete waste. one month and one week. things have to change. something has to give. it's almost like an oncoming explosion. i don't know. anything. at all. i feel bad. i feel good. i feel bad. etc. it goes on and on. and i can't seem to rid myself of this imposing guilt i feel over everything i do. i feel so unworthy of everything right now that it's beginning to get me so down. make me so sad. i don't want to be sad. nothing good comes of those feelings. i know all too well how bitter and cold and lonely the heart grows. i've been there once too often. too many times. i don't care to feel this way again. i can feel it though. creeping on. coming in. like a storm approaching. unstoppable. unforgettable. and unwanted. i don't want to be sad anymore. i don't want to be burdened. and feel worthless. and rejected. and lonely. i'll admit i broke down and cried the other night. begging whatever it is that runs this world for something in the way of help. help me. i keep begging and by now i should know nothing and no one will ever come. i find comfort in the fact that although many almost no people at all know about me. not really. not my mind. or my heart. or my crazy dreams. dani knows me best i believe. she knows me like i know her. and that's comforting. for a moment. i wish i could just scream it all out. bleed it from my wounds. let all the coldness subside. and end. i wish i knew how to change. how to become something else. more acceptable. i wish i could go back and start all over again. i wish. and wishes are useless. useless. i want to be so many things. but never see myself actually becoming anything. i don't know what it is i feel right now. but i do know that i don't like it. the two sides of me are starting a battle. a war i can't stop. and i hate it all again. just when i was beginning to love it all so much. i just don't know what to do. dfn.