[why me, o why me?] Well guess who I seen today. PRD. Hmm. With his mother. She was cute and talk-ative. Really talk-ative. He didn't have much to say. Except for a few key phrases. And some cute, smart ass faces. "He was determined to wait in this line, no matter how long it was." "Well if he harasses you, he must like you." I need to let him go, I know. I need to let him be. If only he could see. How it feels to want something so bad. UGH! Why do I bother? Why do I continually do this to myself? Because I'm my own 'sucka,' that's why. Because I get my own hopes up, knowing full well that it will all come crashing down around me. Once again breaking an already broken heart. All I want is someone to love. Someone to think about me when I'm not around. I just want to be SEEN. Really SEEN. And still loved because of it. I know if he really liked me, he'd make some sort of effort. I criticize SEB for the same beliefs. for the same stupid behavior. But she's luckier then me. the guys she usually wants, usually want her too. I'm jealous. i can't help it. I would die to have someone look at me and see something wonderful. Just once. That's all I want. That's why I focus so much on these unttainable guys who don't want me. Who don't think about me. All I want is to be on someone's mind when they wake in the morning. To be on their mind when they go to sleep. All I want is someone to know that I'm fucked up and twisted, and still be willing to love me. I guess maybe I'm asking too much. I could make someone happy, if they let me. If I got the chance. I could prove that I'm not so messed up. So weird. Well maybe I couldn't prove that, but I could prove I'm worthy. Worthy of more than just passing thoughts. Or classroom entertainment. Some times I just feel like telling him. Telling him how I feel and then letting him be for good. I want him to know how cool and great and cute and funny and sweet I think he is. But I'll never tell him. I'm a coward like that. A PUSSY. A WIMP. I just can't face more rejection. Is that wrong? Being afraid of being laughed at. or thought to be extremely desperate and weird? Is that wrong? It probably is. I never think the right thing. I always do what I feel is best. So far, that's got me no where. No where at all. No where is one word, you know? Nowhere. (feel my heart die) Go ahead. It's slowly dying out. What little life I had left is beginning to leave me. What little love, I should say. What little hope. What little expectation. What little faith I have in it all. Man. I need to start writing happier entries. Maybe this is why I get no comments. The same bullshit time and time again. It's making me tired. Tired. I think I'll go and do nothing and be happy with it. "I wish I had a nickel..." DFN.