well. i must be down down down. i cant even muster enough care to be jealous over him. like i used to be. but. it just doesnt happen. and. i dont really try. or. even care. which is odd. but. i guess its been long enough and my attachment has been long gone for some time. i wont be bothering with him anymore. or a few select others. just because. i dont feel like it. i dont feel like a lot lately. nothing. things have just crashed and turned and bothered and burned. im just trying to keep together long enough to actually get clean. sober. for real this time. no more chances. no more tomorrows. no more just one more bottle or gallon. oh vodka i shall miss thee. id like to think i can be fixed. repaired. undamaged. well. mostly. i dont know though. i really just dont know. i need mandy back. shes the only friend ive really got. or the only real real friend. i can tell her everything. i miss her. everyone else im half/half on. maybe. maybe not. most likely. but. most likely not. i wish i could leave here. but. running away didnt help last time. and im getting too old. too beat up from all of the partying and drinking and drugs and smoking and falling and fighting. its all wearing on me. i just dont know how to feel.