i am. shamefully. unshamefully. o well. can't control it all. i can't. you can't. i dislike people that pretend to have it all in order. there is no order. none. to nothing. no control. it's all in the air. floating away. to somewhere. else. the feelings there. the other one. the more in step one. the voice in my head. telling me to wish them all dead. it's there. more and more. i try to listen and follow. but it's hard to swallow. i don't like thinking about him. and i don't. try. to. but. it. comes. on. like. a. pesky. rash. and. before. i. know. it. there. he. is. but enough of that. not now. not here. not today. at least not this moment. i live to be inspired. i work lazily just in order to get fired. because i like it that way. days and days. and time ticking away. driving me insane. i want more then this. and i will get it. eventually. as it all comes to be. eventually. something better give. before i break. for good.