isn't as easy as finding a needle in a body pile. i have lost time. and gained regret. i have lost time. and gained guilt. ruthless. guilt. 22 years have passed in a flash. my time was spent wishing you gone. wishing you dead. and now. now. it has come. and gone. so quickly. i can barely remember you ever being here. figuratively of course. all those times we spent arguing and hating. mostly me. against you. the times i should've been more patient and loving. the times i could've been a tad nicer and understanding. o. i would give it all up. to make it up to you. to have one last shot at it. to have one last moment together. o. why does this hurt so much. and why must my heart bleed so much. agony. self hatred. regret. why must it all pass so soon. i would give anything for one more moment to speak. one more argument. one more anything. marcella. i miss you. as one would miss their own arm. or leg. or ever beating heart. i miss you. and i am still sorry. for being the best at being the worst. i would like to lay down and never move. wait for the sands of time to cover me. to rot my bones. to tear away my skin. i would like to stop. and wait. and never move. wait to see you again. to speak to you again. to fully explain how fucked up i am. and that no matter what i've said i do love you. always love you. o. how this fucking kills. and burns my insides alive. tears away my soul inch by fucking inch. what am i to do now? what am i to do? what am i to? what am i? this is a sadness far worse then any other before. this is a sadness i feel will be impossible to escape. this is a sadness. i wish i could have her back. i wish i could have been better. i wish i could have been better. i wish i could have been better. i wish i could have been better. i wish. i could have. been. some. thing. more. my mother. i still miss you. one week. and four days.