since. she was here. last. breathing. she has died. my mother has gone away. my mother is dead. i am alone. all. alone. i am numb. from. head to toe. i am lost in. side as well as out. i am twisted. confusion and pain. i am love. i am pain. i am dead. my mother passed on today. 7/19/04 3:38 she is gone today. away today. no more yesterday. and maybe. i'll see her someday. far away. from this. day. i am crazy inside. insane. down to the ever loving core. i am hurting. agony. ivory silk. across my tender bones. jabbing needles in to my soul. pulling emotions through my teeth. clecnched fists pounding. strong fingers gripping. my neck. suffocating love. smothering pain of loss. i am no one today. i am sad today. i am lonely today. i have not cried. no. no crying. allowed. yet? i feel horrible. and guilty. and tearless. i am on my own. i am being reborn. open to a new cruel world. i am lost. my mother is dead. i held her hand. i heard her last breath. of poisonous air. i begged for forgiveness. i am regretful sin. i am sad. how do you know? how can i say what it is i would like to say. how can i express such a horribly low level of pain. hidden on the sonar. casting just a shadow of doubt. how does one express the inner struggling mess. fuck you. for pretending. to know. how it feels to love. and to have lost. and to have felt such a burden. fuck you for pretending to care. cry not on my shoulder for my shoulder will not hold you. there is no pity here. and i must run. fast. get out. and get new. things are coming. and i am going. my mother is dead today. dfn.