[and the slow beat goes on] here i am. sitting. thinking. daydreaming. last night i cried. over prd. and felt stupid. and i'm fine. and all right. and good. i don't like anything right now. classes. home. unemployment. learning. listening. working. thinking. it's all useless. ridiculous. repetition of a nasty sort. i feel crammed in. and out. my body feels weird and low. my head's not aching. but ready too. prepared. i wrote a lenthy poem last night. about patrick. and that. and more. it upset me. to read my thoughts. to read my ideas. i could be a poet. i am a poet. a writer of the higher sort. i am an emtionally charged person. vibes. and spirits. and good stuff. and all. i believe. in something. not namely god. lately. i've been down. sad. bored. seb complains about all her turmoil. i envy her. jealous of it all. k and her gazed at the stars. over the phone. how sweet. and nice. and dreamy. i've never had that. attention. that niceness. i won't e-mail him. or call. or anything. i do know better. as i've said before. many times. and times before that. i guess i'm stronger than i feel. weaker in the heart than i wish i was. i can't help it though. thinking about his blue eyes. and that smile. and the way he made me laugh. calling me asshole. and dumbass. it's the odd things that get me off i guess. i'll find mine someday. somewhere. over the rainbow. or maybe under the bridge. the grass is always greener on the other side. until you get there. it's all illusion. confusion. depicted in mind. i'm rambling and i'm fine with that. i have to look up shit on th korean war. i don't like wars. and stuff. and all that fighting shit. useless. as is everything. i'm subjected too lately. useless. repetitive. and ridiculous. as always. in my mind's eye. my keep's thoughts. i should go now. and i think i will. "i knew her once and she was beauty." dfn.