i write far. too. much. a hot shower feels nice on an uncertain day. and i've looked at my pastpast entries. and dislike them. most of them. the oldwhiny ones that. i. would. destroy now. if i cared too. sarah. did not get the job she wanted. well. she did. they just won't let her go. and. i am sorry for that. because. now. she will leave and follow bobby around. like a dog. on. a. leash. the devil is lending me money. and i am okay with that. i have sold my soul. for 500. but. i need it. i think back. and part of my bitterness. towards joe. was that if he would've only. called me back. i may have been able to get a grip on things. he was supposed to teach. me. the. ways. but. as usual. he didn't. unreliable by nature. and what makes me bitter. is. what he thinks he knows of me. and how. how. strangely he got it all wrong. most of the time. but. what i say. and what i do. and what i think. are all very different things. because. i do send mixed signals. and it's frsutrating. because. i can sit here and explain. myself. easily. but. out. there. in that world. i get so cramped. and push it all down. and become something else. i'm never very happy with. because. i don't know how to act. my part. or the part. i act like a "noodle." tuggy was right. and that's disturbing. him being a depressed guy. diagnosing me. they always diagnose me. though. and i never get the last word. i get the passed word. i find it a bit annoying. to be so fucking misunderstood. when in fact. i am very simple. and nothing like i allow myself to be seen. crazy. i. am. but. none of that really matters now. because. i won't bother him anymore. and that's all i ever did. was bother. and bug. and it wasn't right. i just enjoyed his company. because. when you push aside that ego of his. and the stories. and the stories. and the annoying critical behavior. he was actually very entertaining. i am sorry. things. became. so fucked. and i do plan on paying him back. because. i'm not like them. the others. i know i did wrong. and i know it was wrong. and i wish i could've helped myself. but. i don't regret it. i am just sorry it all played out like it did. and. to be the good me. i will pay him back. even though i know i could walk away and never. ever. pay. anything. but. the more i think like that. the less i like it. because. it isn't right to set everyone else on fire just because i'm messed up right now. 200 will suffice i suppose. number2 on dj envy. daddy ain't around probably out committin' felonies... my favorite rapper used to say chec-chec-check out my melody... and months ago i didn't even really like rap. but now. influenced. which brings to mind my soulmate. ray. i hope he's alright. and him and danielle are still talking. because. i do enjoy that kid. and all he wants is to go home too. and we all cry. and it was nice. to feel so unalone. with him around. i hope joe and joel make it as well. because. life is hell. and it all gets so deep. and feels too real. most of the time. i don't believe either are bad. because. together. they have to be the best combination i've ever met. beauty and the beast. i hope travis is out. there. some. where. becoming. the thing he was meant to be. and still writing. he never really got to read my work. and i regret that. but. maybe. someday. i have met. the best. the worst. and the loneliest people. these past few months. and i wouldn't change it. because. in one way or another. it has been brutal. but. in. that. good. way. things. can. be. good. i feel very light today. i feel very much like my real self today. calm. collected. amused. and breathing. because breathing is all i have. it is all i really own. these. days.