it has to come. it must. i suppose. change. happens. most. of. the. time. whether i enjoy it. or not. everything must give into something else. and move along accordingly. and so on and so forth. this week is the beginning week. to settle things. to get things done. to finish things. to begin things. to do things. i cannot keep wasting time i do not have. in reality. there is no time. an entire lifetime comes down to 15 seconds. and what you did in those moments. of nothing. i must go. move. and do some thing. before it all comes crashing down. and i can't handle it. then. i can't do that. i must rebuild. and start anew. although my heart is still in need of serious repair. and consoling. and compassion. i must go. and move. and do such things that need. to be done. and finished. i must complete a job. i must do the project. it won't be easy. factoring in my level of laziness with that of my highness. nothing. will be easy. it isn't creating some thing. when your mind is on nothing. and wanting anything. for my everything. it isn't easy creating. from destruction. from pain. but. it must be done. i suppose. i must fix my life. and get a clue. i have a list of items to get done. and i must follow the list. whether i want to or not. i could just back out. and stop. and not move. but. i must. i must. unfortunately. i must face the real world. real life. without the protection. and excuses from my mother. i must do this one for her. i suppose. as i do and have done everything in my life. i still cannot let my mind wander. too much. i cannot spend more then 5 minutes thinking about her. and the way things were. if i do. i'll break. my heart has shattered. and keep breaking. into smaller and smaller pieces. i am afraid nothing will be left. i cannot mourn for there is no time. if i break to stop and remember her. i will surely never move again. i will lay in a ball on the mattress. and grieve. and cry. and scream. and suffer. more then i have ever done before. and it's all been written before. i repeat my emotions. because they are all i have. left. now. i don't like the idea of getting stuff done. but. i have no choice. unless i'd like to totally fuck myself over even more. then before. if that's the case i could rest easily. on the street. but. no. i have more sense then i want. then i need. i have more sense to get through. eventually. it is all eventual. i am lost and misguided and subject to falling from grace. but. i do bounce back awfully well. and i will. eventually. someday. in time. down the road. of life. i will recover. from my heart ache. now all i need to do is get things together. and settled. and it won't be easy.