i try to be this new me and every time i keep on failing for one reason or another. and it isnt that i want to obsess about him its that i cant seem to stop no matter how much id like to. because he was here for a moment or two to make me happier and make me feel good and he did that and then he's gone. gone back home to his college and his 19something girlfriend and her tight body and nice hair and girliness i cannot compare too. and for the first few days maybe week he called and called and talked to me and now nothing not even a return call or an email or a simple text. and its all so fucking ridiculous because he isnt anything special. a good guy with a good personality and a good sense of humor from a good home who is meant to do good things. and why does fate find it necessary to keep bringing people to me only to take them away. is it ever meant to be for me. all i want is that one person who can take care of me. or in large just take the time to understand me. and this is fucked me even writing about him. it wont become a patrick thing or a joe thing or a vadim thing because i do not have the energy anymore. to waste me obsessive nature on such trivial things. its just a reversed thing. the less i try to think about him the more i am thinking about him. if i stop trying to not think about him then i will eventually not think about him. and fuck him and fuck all those stupid others for getting too close and then backing away. damnit. i hate venting about such stupid shit. the world is falling apart and im concerned with some guy i'll never see again. damn me.