met him. my time is boring. sleeping. tired out. and worn. back home. i felt. much. more. deadly. here. i am constrained. a bit. remaining. alone. it isnt that i am worried. because. i dont really worry. not really. i never have. because. i assume. that. eventually. it will all work. and. it usually. does. every now and then. i figure im just too lazy to care. because. caring. would mean actually realizing. and. reality. doesnt quite agree. with me. because. i prefer. fantasy. over sobriety. i figure. in time. i will really forget. why. i got so obsessed in the first place. and. that really isnt like me. i was different before. and have been. many times. i have changed. and tried something new. with failure right along my side. but. it doesnt matter. because. i am the only one who knows all of my secrets. no one else ever will. because. where it matters. is where i keep my mouth closed. tight. because. i know how people take things all the wrong way. no matter what i meant. it always comes around wrong. like a bitter. twisted lie. self sabotage. is the real. thing. im good at. manipulating it all. to fail. because. i guess deep down. in. side. i like it that way. stupid. and fucked. and screwed. because. i function better. when normalcy doesnt exist. to be normal. would be to hard. or maybe too easy for me. and i never liked the things that came easy. eventually. you learn the way. and it alls becomes less of a game. i mess up. because. i like it messed up. everyone i know. knows different versions of me. because i am never the same to anyone. never the same person twice. and i keep the story going with them. as long as it will go. and when it goes no further. that is when i leave. and forget. and blame them for not understanding. but. thats just how i am. predictable. or so it seems. i do remember everything though. every word said to me. every kind thing. every wrong thing. every lie. every let down. every crooked smile. every thing remains in my mind. incase i need to use it later. because. its always best to be prepared. because. time. is. always. turning. it around. and before you realize it. you are back where you started. only this time youre alone. and its once again time to find someone to drag down with you. because. theres no fun in falling alone. so why not bring company. but like i said. i plan on changing.