the feelings seem a lot clearer. a lot brighter. with a bigger chance of surviving. i dont know. i hear these things. and see these things. and want. and need. and feel. and become so numb somedays i worry if ill ever recover. if i can recover. and i do want love. i do. i dream about it. daydream about it. day to day. and on the nights im sober. with too much room to think. and way too much sober time to feel. i want to be the center of someones world. a small center. i dont want to take up too much room. but just enough. to feel safe. to feel loved. to feel needed and wanted and liked. in a way my friends cant meet. although bless them they try. im not easy to please. and keep happy. and im sorry. im so difficult. im sorry im so fucked up and over and down and around. im sorry i play games. and games. and try to drag you back without admitting it. im sorry im a fucked up girl in a fucked up world. the silence makes me deaf. the heat makes me cold. and the pain makes me numb. the worst has already happened. if i think like this. if i feel this way what can make me ever feel again. want again. be again. bleh. fucking love. fucking it. fucking them. fucking him. fuck it all i guess. because thats the best way i have to go. its better to have lost then to never have known.