then i imagined it to be when i was a little girl. and i dont know what exactly happened to her. that girl i used to be or was for a moment in a time. when i first discovered how i loved poetry and i was the little one everyone liked so much. i was the friend to lean on and the friend to talk too and the friend who would never let you down. and some time when i wasnt looking it disappeared and vanished. gone forever. i became thie angry and unhappy and dark person who i am now but only in a real more acceptable way. i wished for her to die and when she did it hurt my heart like i had never imagined and we both knew i regretted every bad word and thrown slap and fist and push and just wanted to continue on how we were now matter how miserable or how rotten. and now i am rotten within and i know who i am. i am good trapped by bad and i love the bad more then i love the good. it may sound weird but i like no i love not giving a fuck. i love walking down a street plotting things and willing to carry them out just because its just because. there seems to be no real reason behind my eyes. usually when im fucked up this is how it feels. "me fucked up" = me not caring. which means blank eyes. blank meaning. harsh tone. or sarcasm in the most painful of ways. i like hurting and i will if need be. im delayed but i get mine. and ill torture it. until there is nothing left. right now. thats how i am. not that i like this way. but i dont hate it. i wish i could be better. but some times i wonder if i love this way better. out of control.