"Death is beauty's mother." Book I have to read: The Code of Da Vinci Today has been the typical school day. Lots of time filled with lots of useless information. I seen PRD today. "Were you mad?" Why does he ask? What's with this kid? The more I attempt to ignore him and 'play it cool,' the more he says and does. Oh well. Today was a nice day because I'm not looking into it anymore. Tomorrow night I might get to see him again, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm not going to worry about it. I don't have the time. Not like I'm using my time for anything else. I'm not doing much of anything. I need to get the hell started or kiss graduating in May goodbye. Sometimes I sit and I wonder what the point is. What does any of it matter? What does education matter? Why major in business? Why major in anything? Why bother going? Why? What? Where? Who? When? HOW? None of it makes much sense. We go to class, herded about like little brainless sheep. Fed inaccurate, and half the time, false information that dates back nearly hundreds of years ago. Haven't most of Frued's insights been disproven already? Apparently not, if you ask the English professors. None of it makes sense. Question: How can this fat, ugly bitch sitting next to me, get a man and I can't? Moving on. It doesn't make any sense. To spend years of my life stressing away trying to find that o so allusive "American Dream." There is no finite outcome to anything. There is no job waiting for me at the end of this horribly long rainbow. There is no pot of gold. I may not know much about anything. But I do know one thing. I am not going to settle down and die some place I am not happy. I'm not going to be part of that business race. That career prison. I refuse damnit. I refuse to conform. I refuse to hold in my thoughts. I refuse to be like everyone else. There's no point. My happiness can't be found in someone else. It can't be found in this dirty ol' town. It can't be found in some 3-walled office. It can't be found by me sitting on my ass either. I've been asleep for so long. It's not easy waking back up. Realizing that life is passing me by. I've missed the past 22 years. Where was I? In some mind induced coma hiding from the world. I hide. That's my major problem. If it all gets to be too much I simply run and hide. Pretend nothing's going on. Pretend everything's okay. Well. See what this hiding has done. It's made me weak and stuck. Stuck between a rock and a stone. It's not going to be easy. It never is. It was never meant to be. PRD is not the end, nor is he the beginning. He is what he is. And I'll enjoy him for however long he's around. That's all I can do. I won't wish for more. Or want more. I'll take what I get. Play the hand I was dealt. OH SHIT! All I do is ramble. It's no wonder people tend to skip this diary. RAMBLE RAMBLE RAMBLE! My bad. Or my good. Whatever. I think now I'll go and look up that book PRD says he's reading. Why? Because I'm naturally lame. "Dip baby dip..." DFN.