over the same issue ive been having these past 2 to 3 to 4 years of my life. DRINKING. alcohol abuse. and its taking over my life. or has. slowly but surely. and now my job is on the line and im sad and embarassed and just disappointed in myself. not to mention that fat bitch from work is going to hang me over lp issues. dont ask. dont bother. im completely distraught and nervous and sad and just all around let down by myself yet again. and still even now i want a drink. a shot of anything to take away my pain. and thats what got me here in the first place. and i was doing so well. getting better each day at remembering customers and drinks and names and dates and places and everything. and now. gone. shot to hell. whyd i have to fuck up work. ive fucked up so much i dont know if i can ever not fuck up. i just want to cry all over again. but crying just makes me feel worse and worse. everyone says its going to be fine. but when you have as many people at work gunning for you as i do. you know deep down inside things are not going to be fine. i want to get out of this funk. take this like raf and mandy said. that maybe its happened because i dont really want to be there. but i thought i did. i thought i liked my job. it was easy and kinda relaxed and nice. i was making people happy and getting complimented. but now. poof. in one stupid fucked up retarded move. i set myself back a thousand feet. and even i dont know if i want to go back there. maybe finish out the week. collect my next paycheck. pay next months rent. and just fill out an ass load of applications. take the easy way out and runaway from my problem. im good at that just like im good at drinking and drinking and drinking. i was doing so fucking well. 5 days straight. which may not be long to anyone else but it was hella long to me without one touch of alcohol. and then rey leaves town and i go on a 3 days drinking binge. why? i dont know i have a list of fucking excuses. but there really is no excuse. and whats worse is i know. I KNOW i have a problem and i just cant seem to shake it off. ill admit it. ill scream it. I AM AN ALCOHOLIC AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO FIX IT. and its tearing me apart knowing that i let everyone down. especially myself. because i am good at the things i do. i am smart. i am willing to learn. i am so many things and the only thing that seems to stand out is my problem. my drinking. i wish i could just go home for a week and crawl into my old safe room and my old safe bed and have just a rest. and a talk with my mom and john. and theyd say they were disappointed but to keep my head up. and yea ive been hearing it from other people. but theyre just trying to make me feel better. if my mom and john would say it then i would feel better. i know i should look on the positive side. maybe this was for the best. that job has been hell on and off for fucking months now. one thing after another. one rumor. one lie. one implication. drama after drama after drama. and i sealed the deal with the fat ass watching me hook dude up. i know her. fatty is not a good person. shes corrupt. and i know i set myself up even more last night. so either way id like to see it. i wont have a job after tomorrow. so i better kinda start looking today. im just so sad. so fucking disappointed. i dont like me very much right now. and it hurts.