i feel fat today. very fat and very full. i spent spring break. eating. smoking. toking. drinking. and hurting. seb told k. she loves him. he'll call her back later. i'll never get to tell patrick anything. nothing. at all. he'll never know anything about me. not really. i guess by now. i should be letting go. but i just keep thinking about him. and his smile. and his eyes. and his humor. and his ignorance. and him. and him. and him. i was hoping by now this pain would've faded some. gone away a little. escaped. been lifted from my shoulders. but no. the passion of bitterness is still there. the burning want. the pestering crush. i wish i would've never met him. i feel miserable. and he is fine. without the slightest idea. or thought of me. pumping through his too cool for school head. i rue the day i ever said hello to him. talked to him. spoke. looked in his direction. it's been nothing but bothersome pain since. well. yes. all and all and all. neverending. and it's beginning to annoy me. hurt even more. now i can't even look forward to running into him. there will be no more chance meetings. no more encounters. i will never see him again. and it hurts. burns. festers. rots. infects my every word. movement. organ. brain cell. i need a new crush. someone new to focus on. think about. something. anything. anyone. patrick i hate you for not caring enough to hate me. for not thinking about me. for not talking to me. for not wanting me. will this ever end? it better. i'm beginning to get rather upset. rather annoyed. my once silly crush is building into complete bitterness. i'll be fine. i suppose. i just wish this would ease on a lot faster. be done with soon. go away. escape like some uncaged bird. or animal. the beast of onesided infatuation is tearing me apart. limb from limb from heart from soul. i'm one step away. from the edge. 8 weeks until a new world begins. graduation. and i'm sitting here thinking about something so unimportant. i wish i had my sense all the time. i will be fine. once again divine. pain lingers not long in this heart. i will not crash. i will not fall apart. dfn.