but i'll gladly read someone elses. thoughts. even if they are hidden away in a real journal tucked neatly under the bed. seb's journal. the one i bought her long ago. there wasn't much to read which was incredibly disappointing. she basically wrote 10 pages of what i'm writing now. about how bored she was and how she wished she'd meet people. and just small nothing like that. home alone and not even good gossip to read. AND. NOT. ONE. FUCKING. DRUG. IN. THIS. PLACE. none. i've looked and relooked. no drugs. no weed. no coke. no stashes of alcohol. and what there was i already drank. no vicodins. no. no. no. nothing. dry. i don't know how to handle this. sobriety. it feels to heavy for me. i need something to take away the nothing. but now. all i'm left with is nothing. and it kills. and fucking kills. i should've packed more dope with me. a stupid little roach. and a small bud. and now. absolute. dryness. i can't quit it all coldturkey. i can't. my mind needs that reassurance every now and then that the stimulation will return. but this time. who knows. i may just be driven insane by this sober life. and it's only been 4 fucking days. cool down. breathe. relax. i'm overreacting. because there's nothing else to do. i've cleaned and recleaned this place a thousand and fifty times. danielle gave the word she was pregnant. i hoped she was joking. i haven't heard back anything since the last message. i don't care enough to be genuinely upset about it. i don't really care at all. but how do you just tell someone that. you have to at least pretend for a moment or two. and then. DROP THE BOMB right in the middle of their heart. i texted joe. and i know. i shouldn't have. i keep bugging him. bothering him. i will be the reason he finally changes his number after all these years. it took me to come along. well screw him too then. getting all upset because i'm so far from perfect. fucking excuse me while i'm all horrible and such. i am in a superficial mood. and there's no one to share it with. seb decided to stay with bobby tonight. i predicted that one. i detest her approach though. why lie. why act ill. why not just say it straight out. i need to cure this hostility towards seb. i mean afterall this is her apartment and i could end up homeless if i fuck with her too much. i could. i most likely will. because my mouth can't control itself some times. it gets all loud and mean and i end up paying the price each and every time. i wish i would've spent more time looking at the sun. i think i'll go to bed there's nothing else for my mind to do and i'm afraid that if i stay awake too long i may just start to think myself to death because my brain just never knows when to relax and let it all go i can't seem to get control it's all off the edge and rolling swiftly down past my reach and i'm not sure what GOD's trying to prove, but i do believe i've gotten part of the message and i'm attempting to change while the rearranging part seems to get harder and harder due to the obsessive nature of my ever weakening heart all i want is more love and less pain and a little sunshine without so much falling rain down upon my head making me wish for life while i stumble across this earth more then half dead. and you won't read it either. and i won't. because i can't reread what i've already read once while writing it. it doesn't matter. my thoughts are impossible anyways. i am easy to forget and hard to remember. i am easy to remember and hard to forget.