because forgetting is the only defense you have. erase your mind and let it all just FLOAT away and beyond all your. senses. i don't believe in regret any longer. i have my past regrets and my past guilts and my past sins. and i've decided i have too much. therefore i need no more. and won't have anymore. because it's all a fucking waste of time. thinking and feeling and doing and being. action. cut. action. cut. and move. let it all slide by and down and around and past you. because that's the only defense you have. people get hurt. people go away. people either come back. people never stay. and you never should. stay. settle. get a home. and buy a family. because it's all a waste. in my eye anyways. i'm happy. smiley. unusual for me. i function better when i'm bitter. anger pleases me. all that self-pity bullshit. and whine whine whine whine. but that gets you no where. because when it comes down to the line. or lines. i've already lost the only thing that ever meant anything to me. what have i to fear losing now? she's already gone. and my heart although. still. beating. is. now. permanently. alone. for this i cry. at. night. because. it. gets. so. heavy. on. my. chest. and excuse me for still missing her. for still aching every time the memories fload back to mind. i cannot keep them locked out all the time. they beat down the door. pain-thirsty demons. always. on. my. back. wanting. more. and. more. of. my. tears. and i try to hide behind my mind. i try to please myself with small details. and old memories of better times. but. once you've seen the worst. the best just doesn't come close. can't make it all go away. because. i see her. beautiful. face. wilting. right. in. front. of. me. and i cannot hold it back. it begins with one word. or those remembered words. she believed she was coming with me. and o how i wish she could have. i would've carried my mother to the edge of the world and back if she had asked. i would have taken her with me forever. kept her safe. made her laugh. forever. that word again. that untouchable word. she said she would miss me forever. and i miss her more then that. i miss her like a child missing their mother. it's almost been a year since i've seen her face. heard her voice. and felt her cold-dying skin. and o god forgive me for my sins. because this punishment is unbearable. the year of sorrow begins. and my heart is frightened. an earthquake in my soul any minute now. july 19th she left me. and soon it'll be happening all over again. excuse me while i fucking mourn. how i hate those that weep for nothing. experience pain. real pain. have the doctors rip out your heart and hand it back to you. just because they can. i ranaway. but i don't think i'll ever run far enough. locked deep inside the closet of my mind. the memories wait. and wait. and wait. and wait. a year since i heard her say my name. a year since i seen her smile. a year since i felt her arms around me. a year since i watched her float away. excuse me while i die again.