Walking around a closed off room. Smelling burnt toast. Shaking a rabbit by the ears. Dreaming of Jack Daniels and A1 sauce. Having nothing better to do than sit here and type. I skipped some classes today. Maybe to impress P? Maybe not? I'm not sure. He was somewhat ill today. And distant. We have less and less to joke about. I'm going to give myself one chance and one chance only. I'm going to ask him to lunch. If he says no, my efforts will be over. I will attempt no more to get closer or to seek a way of agreement and mutual 'liking.' I mean it. I feel pathetic enough as it is. PATHETIC. It should be my middle name. How fitting. My brain is overwhelmed with thoughts of him. Thoughts of some guy I barely know. Some guy I will never know. I need a drink. A strong, strong drink. Vodka. I have none. None at all. No smoke either. Nothing. This could only get worse if I injured myself one more time. And P finally called up and told me I was a loser. Why does he make me feel this way? Why? Why did he have to come back around? I thought fate was on my side. Watching out for me and my heart. I guess not. I should've known by now. PATHETIC. See even now I can't stop. Wondering. Wanting. Dreaming. Wishing. Hating (myself). I'm so tired, but I can't fall asleep. I got about 2 hours of sleep last night. I'm so tired. My body hurts. HURTS. TIRED. NEED SLEEP. Damn P. I'm off to do nothing...as usual. DFN.