i dont know what to say or do anymore. the effort to change myself into who i want to be seems greater than the reward of trying to become that person.

accusations made.

and for once he took a drug test. and he passed.

i cant keep picking on my partner. because of anger and disappointment to myself.

so many issues that arent really issues.

ill be sober 10 months this month so im sure thats added pressure. and the death of my mother.

the date approaching and then my middle aged birthday not even a week after.

im curious about going through and reading my entries here of that horrible time.

those 4 months of her dying.

and my heart dying right along side her.

here i am now.

16 years later.

finally sober.

finally clear minded.

finally piecing it together.

fnally almost feeling ok.

i feel it tho.

the haunting feeling in my bones.

the memories of those months plague my heart with unseen scars.

deep within the tissue of my being rests those feelings of defeat. and heartbreak. and a sadness ive never quite known again.

id say the time she died was the last time i really felt anything.

now.

i wait.

i wait for the day to approach like the shadow that it has always been.

this time.

i face it clear minded again.

which also means open hearted.

i can feel the pain now.

i can feel it again, fresh.

the art of grief is fickle.

the maturing passed the grief.

well.

even now all of this time later.

i cannot escape it.

even now.

having a tribe all of my own.

i feel it.

but.

i will not fall this time.

i will not fall into despair.

and cure myself with vodka.

i will let it wash over me.

and i will cry.

and i will miss her.

and i will let it go.

and i willl wake up the next day heading into 40.

and i will face that day sober as well.

and i will feel it.

clearly.