i dont know what to say. or maybe i know exactly what to say and just dont want to say it.

i feel like my mom died. i graduated college. ran away to vegas. became a hard alcoholic and druggie. ended up homeless. met their father. ran away to texas. and 10 years later im now just waking up.

september 13th i would have had a year sober. depending on how you see sober. i know what full recovery is and i know ive dabbled here and there with drinking and smoking.

and i just spent the last week and a half killing myself with booze again. but now. here i am waking up with the shakes. less today than yesterday. and my patience is at zero.

i love my kids. i love them more than anything i have ever loved. but. they drive me mad. 9. 8. 6. and 2.

and theyre insane. insane with insanity. and i try and try to express what it is to actually be a good person and they dont get it. i feel like im constantly working on myself trying and trying to be better and although i constantly fall off. i do try to make amends and try again. but here i am feeling guilty. guilty as always.

feeling like a bad person, a fuck up, a terrible parent, and just overall shit human.

my partner. i dont know what he thinks. he seems to be able to just go about happy.

this isnt my most poetic entry.

but i needed some place to vent. and i know this place very well. the pieces of my broken heart are written here.