well i am doing swell. yup. swell. i am going to get over tim no problem. Cuz he isnt right for me. he just isnt. he cant be. if he wants me. he cant have me. im gone. gone gone. cuz i know he would only want me for the moment. and i want forever. and forever scares him like a little boy. the little boy he is. So he cant have me back. cuz he will forever be a little boy. thats the only thing in his life he can count on now. it used to be me and being a little boy. now its just being a little boy. i wasnt his dreamgirl. if i was he would want to take me off the market. and he had plenty of time to and he didnt. so screw him. Im out. I love him blah blah blah. i'll get over it. not like i havent before. history just keeps repeating itself. and im ok with that. whateverrr. i think tim might like men or something. all he cares about are himself. his brother. his friend ryan. chalkreese? or however u spell that and any other guy u can think of... all guys all gay. he is gay. must be. gave him everything. gave me nothing. all gay tendencies.. so fine. be gay. find a boy. whatever. i am fine with it. its ok that we want differnt things right now. he is going to realize someday.. maybe not for a long time but someday.. that he wants exactly what i wanted to give him. and he's going to see that its waaaaaay too late and he made suuuch a horrible decision. poor guy. i feel bad for him. really. i do. i sacrfced everything. fine. ya know.. my mom.. doing what she does for a living.. she thinks she knows everything about relationships. and i used to think she was full of it. but i guess from time to time she has ok advice... she did tell me that guys are immature and they are selfish until about the age of 25. and everything emotional scares them. everything. they will be all lovey dovey to you but as soon as you start being lovey dovey back.. its like.. "omg your soo needy and omg your soo clingy" fuck guys. When you do it its ok.. but when we do the same.. its horrible? why is love so awful?? why cant a girl just love without restraint or worrying if her bf is thinking she's carzy.. thats reeeealy love. being yourself with each other. and i thought we were. i guess not. you know, tim wasnt "clingy" enough.. not like clingy in normal terms but like.. he just didnt care. its called passoin. get some. he's like a vegetable when it comes to emotion. he is so smart yet.. when i think of what he could possibly be thinking about.. all i hear is silence. cuz he never has anything to say. Tim has A LOT of faults. a lot. and i happily pointed most of them out to him earlier in a phone call. none of those things used to bother me. i never had doubts that i wanted to love him forever. Until he started doubting me. and measuring me. and finding all my faults and not only pointing them out.. i dunno.. he just searched for anything he could dig up.. he didnt want to marry me that badly. he used my faults as reasons. i would have never done that to him. now it doesnt matter. but i wouldnt have. thats not right. cuz thats who he is. And i chose to love him a long time ago. and with every new fault i discover, it never made me love him any less. Timmy cant say the same about me. Boys are so stupid. Whenever a girl finally falls head over heals inlove with them.. they smell it. like a dog smells fear. But they dont smell it as it is.. i mean its love.. its true its real.. but they see it as this desprateness. and sometimes love is so strong it is desperate. and they think "if she is that desperate to be with me, theres something wrong with her". Why? She's in love. people do crazy things for love. and instead of seeing the romanticness of it, they lable it crazy and get scared. idiots. and if its not that then they think "if you want him that bad, other women must too". So dumb. Guys dont realize its not him, its us. We cant pick and choose who we fall inlove with. it just happens. I told timmy i loved him way before i reeeeally reeeally felt a loe for him that was unlike anything ive felt for anyone. when i said i loved him in the beginning i wasnt lying. but it was puppy love. and then it matured into 'you need me' love. heh. i remember taking this class a while ago in 11th grade or soemthing. and the teacher said there were 3 types of love. i think it was "you need me love" "I need you love" and something else. i forget. but he said everyone always looks at the "i need you love" as so romantic.. but if u think about it.. its sooo selfish. he said the realy romantic love is the "you need me love" cuz its all about the other person. its about wanting to be with them because all you want to do is make them happy. thats what i feel for tim. thats all i wanted to do. i dont think this is a category but if i had to figure out what love tim felt for me.. i'd say the "i want you love" where you want them but you dont need them and if they ever let on that they need you, you freak out like a little girl and run away. in my opinion. wow. its so late. i need to sleep. why do i write so much? it helps me get over you...