Its not like i'm not used to having insomia. Its just that sometime around october/november.. idk if it was before or after i started going to meetings.. i think before.. but i just started being able to sleep even if something crazy was happening.. something crazy usually bieng max leaving. The more time goes by now.. the more insnae it feels that it all actually happened. I'm really sad tonight. I'm usually sad but busy enough to ignore it. I just have this panicky feeling. I wont see him again. Or, I will but I wont like what I see. Or, someone will call me and tell me he's gone gone. Or worse, they wont. And eventually.. i might want to look him up.. and I'll find out he's been gone for years.

I'm also so overwhelmed with Kodi lately. He was supposed to be my service dog. To help me. BUt instead of training him all year like I planned to.. I spent the year either battling against max's addiction, battling against my own codependency, or being kicked out or moving or depressed. When Kodi was a puppy he was so perfect and I knew he would be what I thought he would be. But thats becuase i spent time training him. even a little here and there. now im so overwhelmed and busy. he has a big fenced in backyard. I buy him toys and those yummy bone treats he likes. i take him to the dog park but not as much as before. lately, i dont want him at all. i dont play with him as much. i havent brushed him enough. I have so much i need to do and i need help. i wasnt meant to do everything on my own. who is? maybe i shouldnt have him. Its hard having him here, in claifornia. In wisconsin i took him with me everywhere. and he was great in the car but in wisconsin i didnt have to worry about the temperature. only a couple times i worried but it was if it was too cold. And its winter right now.. when it starts getting even warmer out here i wont be able to leave him in the car at all. so i want him to be able to come inside with me to most places at least within the next few months. especially to meetings since i go to one every day and theyre less pressure than say the library or court house. he does well in public transportation, lays down at my feet and doesnt bark. but in a room full of people with no direction, no movement.. he gets so excited and wants to run everywhere and see everyone. which would be fine in some cases, if he did it calmly. but he's stilla puppy and he's big and obnoxious. sometimes he's too much. i need a dog sitter but i cant afford one.