Here I am, jobless, school-less... and i have no idea how to be anything else... i try... i look, i send resumes... i wish i would have taken that tech support job. yeah it was 3am-11am but i would have gotten used to it and so what if i had a crappy feeling about working there... maybe it was nothing. maybe I'd have a lot of money by now instead of having none and being desperate. the only "job" offer I've gotten lately is for a babysitting thing. and its not even that, its a mothers helper... i feel so pathetic. its a 12 year old girls job. i cant stand the people. stuck up snobs. uhg. i cant work for them. but i don't want to let timmy down. i want to do something and i feel like not having a job is only creating more stress on top of planning a wedding... but at the same time, i don't think this "job" would really help me feel better about myself. i think it'd just make me feel worse.. already is and i haven't even started. if i called in the morning and said i didn't think i could do it, it wouldn't be a big deal, its not like she has to go to work, she just wants someone to do all the crap because she's spoiled and didn't know what it would take to have a baby... yeah its not just play time and cuddles and kisses... its bottles and naps and diapers...everything this spoiled girl doesn't want to do. and instead of hiring an actual 12 year old, they ask me. Whom by the way, they thought still lived in santa clarita... lol just the fact that they expected me to drive all the way to and from santa clarita just to be a mothers helper for 4 hours.. is insane! just that alone makes me want to kill myself for even going over there to meet with them. i cant sleep. its 5. yep. 5 am and i haven't gone to bed. thats not true. i was in bed at 4am and i tried to sleep but ended up crying for 20 minutes and decided i'd rather cry standing up. haha... or i just didn't want to wake up timmy. i feel kind of depressed right now. maybe if i wish to be pathetic i will get a job tomorrow... because apparently i usually get the opposite of what i want.