Listening to: acceptance- so contagious
Things man, things.
So, im not dying. which isnt as great a relief as i thought it would be. ha, jk. seriously i am. i promise.
I went to the health office at coc on thursday and i got some medicine. it was really weird how they did things. but weird is good. like they took me in the back and the RN took a blood sample and told me i wasnt anemic. and then i waited in a room and the other nurse or whatever came in and just started talking to me. like asking me all kinda of questions about myself. not like symptoms. just, life. and it was weird how easy it was to talk to her. i didnt even think it was wierd what she was asking. everything just came out. and she wasnt like one of those people who asks you a question but doesnt really care if u answer. she was very attentive to what i was saying and taking notes at times. basically theres a couple things going on but nothing serious. like the back pains are from stress. and im all stuff and congestedish cuz of the start of a cold. i have insomnia. and the dizziness is from depression. oi. i kinda figured that one. lol i dont know whats more distressing. depression itself or knwing your depressed and feeling overwhelmed about what your going to do about it. well, she suggested i talk to one of the school conselors. and i really want to. i dont really have anyone i talk to about things. not like. real. important things. i have timmy but. sometimes a girl just needs someone objective. and older. older people are so much smarter. i wanted to get counseling for a while now. but its expensive u know? and then someone suggested counseling thru my church.. but i havent been there in about 4 months and i dunno. i dont think im ready for that just yet. and since alot has to do with my mom, and the people at my church have a relatinship with my mom already... that wouldnt exactly be the objective guidance im looking for. so this is kind of perfect. altho, i was late for clas so i didnt schedule an appointment yet. monday.
work has been... ok. i mean i like the people. theres lamont, he's the boss guy dude. lisa, she's like what i am gonna become cuz she's gonna be advancing in her education and getting married. and then theres some old guys tim, grif, steve, and ralphi. they work in the back. theyre all really nice. but i feel like im taking a step backwards. im making a little less than my last job. thats pretty stressful because i feel like im always going to make aroudn the same amount at any job, no matter how hard i work. no amount of effort will ever be good enough. I think i am a great worker. I am fast and accurate. and i learn from my mistakes. i think im a quick learner and i dont really get in anyones way. im quite on a job yet pleasant to be around. what more could u ask for right? At every job i have had.. SOMEONE has refered to me as "turbo" because i work so fast. 2 days ago lamont called me turbo and i just laughed cuz its true. and then today i was praised for how much i got done. but what for? i know i just started but.. ah. its just hard. im 19 and other people my age are half way to a career and im still making the same as the average teenager. its because im brown.
in other news: stephanie is a psycho. so tim went out with stephanie and this other chick. and apparently they are friends and are both crazy. and because of this, have created the tim stalking club of canyon country. basically, not stephanie but the other one.. i believe her name is scarlet... (what kind of name is scarlet anyways??)well, she lives... not just in the same complex.. no no.. the same the same... right across the sidewalky thing. you look out the window and BAM! and she called timmys phone and was like "oh i just realized i live right next to u". me and timmy bought some carne asada and he went to make it on the grill and when he went out there... she was out there! and she's like "hi tim.. stephanie's inside, wanna say hi to her?" and blah. and they havea perfect view of the whole right side of their apartment. especially tims room. and the living room. and its just ridiculous. stephanie is soo weird. its weird.. how weird she is. its not like i have anything to worry about with tim. he isnt stupid.just kind of uncomfortable knowing im way over here and 2 crazy girls are just acrossthe sidewalk from his bedroom. maybe just jealous. maybe both. im tired.
I have so much hw. but i am taking a break. math is overwhelming sometimes. but, at least its not like english or history. or something equally lesbian.
i like the song so contageous by acceptance.
We watched a movie today. the one with nicholas cage. he's a weather man. i dunno. that movie was kinda gay. but it made me think about things. like, i dunno. im so pessamistic lately. like every thought that enters my head is negative. me and my mom never get along, but ive been really short with her this week. not like she hasnt done the same. thats not really the point i guess. she just knows what to say to really make me want to tear off my face. she's a pro. but yeah, ive just been very negative. like. whats the point? everything i do, i think.. what for??? where is this going?? who cares??? maybe because i have nothing to live for. i mean i do. but, i havent picked up my bible in so long. ahhh. im retarded. i just think, even if things turn out great for me in life.. it only takes a second for them to all fall apart. so why build up hope for a diaster? and im left here expectant of disappointment. thats a pretty crummy feeling.
ive had a couple more dreams about jay. uhg. and one of my dad. for like a second. i cant even really remember it. just know it was there.
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