Yeah. I'm back in California.

After 50 days backpacking through europe. Its strange. It feels like i never left. I knew it would. Grr. I just woke up and it sounds stupid but it really does feel like it was all just a dream. I went there to think and figure out what i wanted.. in my current situation and in life. and I'm laying here realizing i didnt figure out much. I feel like i learned a few lessons and grew a lot.. and that's why i think overall it was a good experience.. amazing really. But for the intended purpose of the trip.. i failed. I just came back with more unanswered questions. More doubt and fears. More regrets and mistakes. But also experience and stories and memories and friends and adventures and desire to learn things i was too afraid of attempting and talking to anyone and looking strangers in the eyes... sometimes.. finding that part of me that used to be bold. And being independent or at least getting there and knowing i could be if i had to be. Among other things.

Its too cliche to say "i found myself". Anyways i dont think i did. Not quite. But. I think if you go to a new place like that for a short time like a week or 2 you wont find much.. but backpack on your own through various countries for almost 2 months and yeah.. i didnt fiiiind myself. But parts. Definitely found small parts that i know are who i really am. Things that I didnt know before. Things that would probably be considered small and insignificant to anyone else.

I have no idea what to do. In this moment and in life. I'm not at a fork in the road.. I've been pushed out of a plane into the ocean and abandoned.. no idea where i will end up with any direction i go. I could just wait and drift and see where it gets me.. or i could just pick a direction and swim and end up somewhere i dont want to be.. or maybe somewhere i do.

The more i try to figure things out.. the more i realize maybe some things cant be figured out or solved.. maybe they will always be a part of me.. creating the lines on my face that unapologetically remind people of the things I've lost.

I dont have a car right now. I might take a bus to surprise my mom for lunch. She doesnt know I'm back since i made the decision only 3 days ago. Told her i wanted to skype today. Well yesterday and she said today on her lunch break would be better. Which is good cuz i got back and fell asleep around 7pm and slept through the night. To be in this bed again is amazing.. hostel beds suck. Well.. theyre not as terrible as i thought theyd be but still they arent very comfortable.