If you have eyes don't read this! it is THAT long and THAT boring and THAT dramatic..........
I made this private a few days ago just because.. honestly I dont even know. I just had a feeling like i needed to. and so i did and its a freaking good thing. but then i realized.. i dont like it on private. i like talking at the world. even if they aren't listening.. i just like being there..
but thats all changed now.. Because a few days ago my mother told me she has been reading. i knew she's seen it before but i didnt think she would go out and try to find it. and when she told me.. i kept my cool even tho i was pissed. its one thing to read once or whatever and i know it wasnt private but still.. this is my sanctuary. and like every thing else i reluctantly let her be a part of or she somehow weasels her way into.. its ruined.
every entry from now on.. is tainted.
but i don't care. i'm not going to change how I write just because i think she may read this. if she wants to read what a horrible mother she is, thats her own fault. no one is asking her to and i definitely don't want her to. but i could care less if she does.
so to start...
we went looking for wedding things. so i thought was the only thing on the agenda. but the mother always has a much different agenda than everyone around her. and it was fine. i didn't mind. she wanted to talk and get things off her chest and try to have heart to hearts with a daughter who she's never really cared had a heart.. but thats another story.. and i was cool with it. but then when i want to chime in with my stuff.. she can't handle it. and the only reason i did was because of the most RIDICULOUS thing Ive ever heard............
I don't know what she was thinking.
She says that she wont take over. and i knew she would but I just went with it thinking maybe she wouldn't since this is the billionth time we've done this and we haven't spoken to each other in 6 months. I thought, she'd think about that and want to help instead of sabotage like usual. She doesn't know how to help. She does know how to listen to what you want and help you do it. she listens to what you want and thinks about what she wants and decides which one is better oorrr no... not even which one is better.. there is no comparison.. its always her way by default. she is a wretched woman and actually has the audacity to ask me THIS!... if on my wedding day, she could walk me down the isle...!!! WHAT?!? is she joking?? alisha asked about wedding plans and stuff and i told her what my mom asked and she couldn't believe it either. tim can't. i can't I don't understand what she sees in her head when she thinks of our relationship.. and what part of that justifies asking that question. EVEN if we had a great relationship.. who actually asks a question like that? especially a mom. i can understand a male figure saying "i would love you walk you down the isle blah blah blah" but its just weird to have a woman walk you down the isle. to me anyways. but that aside.. who asks? especially when we aren't in this great relationship.. especially when we're in one of the most ridiculous mother-daughter relationships i know of.. and off the top of my head we're #1 on that list. especially when she WASN'T EVEN INVITED less than 10 days ago. lol. I don't get it. I try to make an effort and its not good enough. I called her out of the blue. still mad and upset over what happened 6 months ago and just all the build up over the years, past melt down fights, and just growing up with her in general specifically the last 5-6 years... and it just all adds up.. and 3 times now I have told her I never wanted to see her again. i didn't want contact. I just wanted to start my own family without her around to make me feel like punching myself in the face. but i always come back. i always try again. i moved back home countless times because she said "it'll be different" and every time was worse and worse. and i try to say i don't care and I don't love her but obviously i do.. i keep trying in spite of how much bullshit she puts me through. But I don't like her at all. I can't stand her. I hate being around her because all i feel is this "duh" sort of attitude that has NOOOO idea what the hell she put me through. I see her all smug like everything is fine and I'm thinking.. You b*tch. I know thats not "fair" but it hasn't always been like that. It was a gradual effect and the day never "starts" that way.. but it ALWAYS ends that way.. i resent her for not 'getting it'. for thinking she is in a relationship that doesn't exist and projecting this fantasy onto the world. which is great for her, but bullshit for me. and on days like the other day when we were wedding planning.. i started with a clean slate. i wasn't upset.. but like i said.. we don't have a perfect relationship.. we barely even have a relationship. so i can't play someone I'm not. I can't act like she is my best friend and shower her with mush and joy at the sight of her face because she's my.. and i use this word loosely.. "mom". she should be content that i even agreed to get in the freaking car. that should be enough for her. that i agreed to let her be a part of something I wanted her to have nothing to do with, not even come. and it just completely 180'd and she isn't just coming and sitting in the crowd... but she was the motehr-of-the-bride.. IN the wedding. and thats not enough. pretentious b#tch.I'm not even sure if that word works there. I just like the word pretentious.. hold on. o man.. not only does it fit.. it fits to the T..........
pretentious:
1. full of pretense or pretension.
2. characterized by assumption of dignity or importance.
3. making an exaggerated outward show; ostentatious.
ostentatious:
1. characterized by or given to pretentious or conspicuous show in an attempt to impress others: an ostentatious dresser.
2.(of actions, manner, qualities exhibited, etc.) intended to attract notice
Tim said it best. He said her wanting to walk me down the isle is nothing but a ploy. I mean I do believe she genuinely does want it because of some sort of sentimental blah.. but 90% is just to show others.. others being the friends she invited to MY wedding that i don't even know or am not on the best terms with to my supposed to be SMALL wedding... like her womens group.. 4-5 people I am not associated with in any way and Lamont's wife and daughter.. Lamont being a former employer who screwed me over. And not to mention the people i vetoed off the list.. bob and sandy who are the proud parents of their perverted daughter who arguably molested me when we were younger. to which she was very upset at the decision... and cant even get the dates right for when that all took place. I'm over the whole thing now. but do i want her know it all parents coming to my wedding? no thanks. you would think they would treat you better after their pervert daughter molests you, but no.. they are homos. not that i don't like homos. but anyways what the hell? its all show and she is fake fake faked-y fake fake.
its just not fair that she asked. because there would be this weird vibe for the whole ceremony and the whole rest of the night. and she knows it. she said it would hurt her feelings if i didn't let her, but that she would be ok with it. but i know how she is when her feelings are hurt. she doesn't handle it well. she makes everyone around her feel crappy for it. and i dont want to feel crappy on my wedding day. me and tim made up our minds a long time ago. i was searching online for cute wedding ideas and i randomly saw a comment by a couple who decided to just have the bride walk down alone and he met her half way and they walked up together. which for them symbolized that they would always be there for each other. but for us, it'd mean that but also.. what it took to get there. just me and timmy. no one else. and especially not my mother. she's not the only thing but she's done her share of tearing us apart.. more than she knows. but we got threw it anyways. together. without her help. in spite of her we are getting married.
i don't really know how things got to this point. where i don't even talk to my immediate family anymore. I thought it would end with my dad. i knew i wasn't "close" to my mom and my brother but i didn't think we'd be here. but i can't just let my desire to be accepted by my family outweigh the fact that maybe it would better and healthier, for everyone, if i just wasn't a part of it anymore. some day I'll be having babies and I wouldn't want them around people like my mom or my potential wife beating alcoholic brother. I'm sick of talking about these creeps. i shouldnt care. not like they do.
in other news.. I turned in a bs website for my photoshop final.. i did it right.. well i thought i did maybe i did but either i didn't save the right files or the files got messed up somehow when i zipped them over to my computer. but my project looked like crap. i thought I'd be lucky if i got a c. I got 90/100 :]
Timmy asked me to come to bed earlier tonight again. i just cant... i went to bed at 4a 2 days ago and 3a yesterday so I'm thinking 2a is good for tonight. but crap.. past 2.
i saw sex in the city. i don't care if that makes me gay or lame. I love sex in the city and it was a great movie. minus the penis shot and the booby flashes. how can a movie not be great after someone craps their pants???
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