Haven't written in or even been on sitdiary since last entry which was way too long ago. Right after writing that entry things got crazy. Not like super crazy but I wasn't feeling well at all. This last year I've had no energy and tired all the time and this and that but going to the doctor I've been at least feeling excited to get these things addresses which has helped brighten my spirits... but then it all came with a vegence... like super tired and depressed and headaches every hour of every day for weeks. i had some blood work done a couple weeks before just because I havent had health insurance for a while so it was just routine stuff. Well turns out everything was fine except i am extremely vitamin D deficient and that's like bad and stuff. Apparently you should be getting at least 30 ng/ml a day and a range of 30 - 100 is good. over 50 is great. Lower than 30 is considered deficient. lower than 20 is severely deficient. Mine was 9 ng/ml. uhhhh.. no wonder I've felt like literally DYING.. like this weird feeling of pending doom.. no really... i felt it. And that was the result over 2 weeks ago... who knows what it was when I actually got the results back. It seems so ridiculous and counter productive to wait so long to get the results. I guess I would be a prime candidate for d deficiency since i dont have a job so I hardly ever leave this place.. unless i run errands or go to the garage to get something ha. yeah so not much. And I am lactose intolerant and hate milk which is most peoples source of vitamin d. And I'm brown.. which is like bad for vitamin d absorption. i mean I knew i didn't sun burn as easily and whatever but I thought I was still getting the same amount of sun benefits when I actually am in the sun. Not to mention I wear sunscreen when I go outside so the little chance the sun has to help me out is squashed completely. Well anyways I'm taking a supplement nowand going in again in 3 months.. I can feel a slight difference but not much. And I still have these stupid headaches but I'm guessing thats just stress.

So much stress.

Not that things aren't going generally good otherwise. I have a freelance project I'm working on. And there are good things in the works. Tim's going to be coming up to his 1 year at the gas co and hopefully getting into a better job. He's such an amazing worker and everyone loves him and tells him how great he is doing so I dont see a problem with him transfering fast. Our lease is almost up here so we can start looking for a bigger place. And Jefri is doing better on his medication... he seems happy and comfortable.. well... when Choli isn't attacking him. Seriously have to figure out why she randomly decides to grab and bite him... she bit him so hard yesterday that he had a little dent in his nose :( didnt seem to hurt him but still. Anyways so mostly good. But I've been getting mild anxiety attacks on a regular basis. And no sleep. Although I have started making tims lunches again so I'm sure he likes that.

I think when we start looking for another place we will look outside of scv. We moved here to be near my family and because it was "home". it doesn't feel that way anymore. even before starting to talk to my family that last time i still felt santa clarita was my home simply because tim and i lived there for a while and before that i lived there my whole life. but now its tainted. everywhere i go i feel like i have to constantly be on guard... like any second i will run into my mom or brother or any number of people from their church. and its happened mor than you'd think.. i've been able to dodge most of these encounters but its annoying to have to think about it. I dont want them in my life anymore. and moving away feels like a necessary step in solidifying that decision. maybe pasadena.. maybe simi.. i like santa barbara a lot. jaspar (tims co worker) said he likes santa barbara. that'd be cool if we all mvoed out there together. I miss knowing people our age that don't generally suck balls.

Something happened recently and I dont really want to write about it.. idk why. I'm not mad or anything. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Or how I should feel. So I try not to feel anything about it as much as possible. And that's generally worked so far. But it happened, that's not going to change. And its just going to become more and more of a reality in time. Its not like it even affects me.

I had a weird creative surge today. I started writing a song. Bits and pieces to one anyways. Nothing special... Then immediately after that I speed wrote a whole poem or 90% of a longish poem. It took about 4 minutes and i hardly stopped. When i did stop it was only to wonder what the heck I was talking about but instead of question it i just kept writing. I started out not knowing what it was about. I thought it was nonsense. I used to write "nonsense" poems. Then in the middle I realized i knew exactly what it was about and I wrote with more awareness. At the end I got stuck and i went over what I had written. All the parts that seemed weird in the begining actually made sense in context. There was one part where i used a word i thought i used incorrectly... but after looking it up its second meaning worked perfectly. It was kind of weird. It took 5 more minutes to come up with the ending. I'm not saying its a masterpiece or even that good... but I think its something. I'm not proud of many things... but I'm kind of proud of it. It felt like I was taken over.. sounds stupid but it did because afterwards it gave me an idea. And I think this idea is something I was supposed to think up. I think it has to do with what I'm supposed to do next. I'm being vague because I don't know for sure. I want to look into it more. but i think its going to happen.

Tim caught me writting it when I was finished and made me read it to him.. well not made me but you know. He liked it. he said it was really good. hudband talk. but then later he comes out from the bedroom and says he wrote a poem too and recites 4 lines... i would write it here if it wouldnt embarrass him but it was the most funny. Tim's funny again....! i think thats the biggest change I've noticed since taking vitamin d supplements. haha. no really.. I notice I'm not as irritable. I just thought Tim was just becoming ridiculously annoying.. and on purpose. who knew.