OUTRAGEOUS. I can not believe this... seriously? is he serious? If only Tim didn't have to work tomorrow.. I would go wake him up right now! and we would talk for 2 hours at least about how OUTRAGEOUS this non-person is! Doesn't he read these things? i write them for a reason you know... he used to so if he doesn't now then maybe he should before he goes around being ridiculous. Jeni= so angry right now. Maybe it was a mistake. I'll consider it a mistake. and let it slide. in non-horrible news. Choli is funny. aaaand we have come up with a name for our clothing line. its a word that i heard from a guy i dated, that Jason guy. so its a little weird but he can't just go around claiming words.. like he owns them. so, it should be fine. but if he ever stumbled across it for some reason, i would be a little embarrassed. but its not like its the word he used. its a shortened version and yeah.. so technically it isn't even the same word. we also came up with a concept for our first item. i think its pretty good. tomorrow i am going to buy some duck tape, some fabric and more sewing supplies. the duck tape is to make a mannequin out of timmy. i read about it on a couple sites, people swear by them. you wrap the person wearing a shirt tight but not too tight in duck tape and then cut the duck take up the back and then stuff it with stuffy things and then tape it up and YAY! a mannequin. i really want to wake Timmy up. maybe i should go to bed. I haven't finished what i was doing but. it could wait until tomorrow. i have to go to the store tomorrow. 2... 4 stores and i have to go to the bank. i probably will sleep in but i want to be home when Tim gets home so.. i should really finish.. i told tim i would have some of this done. not that he would be mad but i like when he is proud of me. I am going to try to be as non mellow dramatic as i can right now but mind you that hardly ever happens in this diary. but that's what its for... I just don't get people. its not fair. people can't just do whatever they want to me, whenever they want. come and go.. pick a side. and if its stay, don't ruin my life when you do and if its go.. stay gone. really, i wont mind. I'm pretty used to getting over people i care about by this point. really good. its crazy how almost every person in my life, except Tim, well even Tim at a time but not now... has given me double standards and ultimatums and they act like everything they do doesn't or shouldn't effect people in any way but everything you do to them is just outrageous. why can't i just have good people in my life...? why can't i be surrounded with people who treat you how they want to be treated. and respect you. and don't walk all over you because they could in the past. I'm not a jerk, they just aren't used to being told no by me. but they should get used to it. I'm not going to keep putting myself in these stupid positions. and that goes for anyone who has tried contacting me in the last few days. Mom. Brett. I read the email she sent and i don't think i want to try anymore. not if nothing will change and it never does. i know that, i don't know why i keep forgetting. and i don't even need Brett to send an email to know that he is the same person and will never change and i don't the have time or patience to deal with him anymore. and I am sure Tim doesn't either. why make these people a priority? not a priority, but why let them effect me at all? i need to focus on Tim. whenever these things come up, it will just bring me closer and closer to Tim. dilemma. i can't change my myspace back to friends only. how?? ---------------------------------------------------- timmy cut my hair tonight. he did a really good job. i was being a butt. it looks just like on the video we watched to learn how.. even tho it was a lame video and the girl was lame and kept putting her arm in the way of the camera. but o well. i wish i was tired right now. why am i not tired? there is nothing to do but stare at walls and think about everything i have to do tomorrow and wonder how i will ever do it if i can't even get myself to go to bed! auahg. that's a sound.after the email i sort of had a break down as mentioned in a different entry. we were supposed to get pills today but somehow that didn't happen. things get in the way. but i really want to get them soon. i think it would help a lot. more than a lot. sometimes like when i am with Timmy, everything is perfect and i feel great and happy and i even think "wow maybe I really am happy and i don't need medication".. but then there are the other times when out of nowhere. or because of something.. i just drop from the biggest high to the biggest low. and its not just "i hate you bad people" low its "i hate life" low. and i don't want to think those thoughts. but they are there and they wont go away. i think it would help with my insomnia too. last time i was on them i slept a lot better. the whole family crap situation, i was doing ok. i was getting over it. and then she sends me an email out of nowhere. after i said "if you don't respond by tomorrow with something, I'll take that to mean that you aren't going to continue with this and that you are done trying to work this out with me" or something like that. and i didn't get a response the next day or for a week. and then she sends me an email.. she can't do that. and it really messed me up because the whole thing is that she doesn't listen to me and of course she can't even listen to that simple thing. one thing. she couldn't say "i will write to u in a week" just put it off knowing what i would think. the problem was i got over it already. and then it was just there again. and it was overwhelming. and then now.. today in the afternoon sometime i get a message from Brett. just hi. but still. why is he contacting me? After years of telling him to go away or just be my friend.. he didn't do either. and then i try to be friends and he is stupid about it. and then i try not to be friends but he doesn't let that happen for years. and so its always this thing. and then things are fine and we both are in a place to be friends.. and he goes and ruins it. and well there is a lot more to it than that but that's basically it and i just can't believe he would contact me after yes i was always the one to want him to go away but at the very end it was him. ironically. and so i did and things have been amazing. and he has to know that. and yet, he contacts me. i erased my aim. but i bet you anything he contacted me on that a long time ago. thinking he can just say "hi" and bam everything is back to well whatever it was.. which isn't good because i don't want any sort of relationship ith him i used to have. i wanted a friendship that he said he wanted for a long time and he didn't want it. screw him. i don't care if he changed his mind. he isn't a good friend. he isn't a good person! why would i want THAT in my life? no. no to all these horrible people. If he tries to contact me again maybe i will do what everyone used to tell me to do and get a restraining order... even tho that would only help if he tried to physically contact me.. i don't know what the rules are about online and phone calls.. but hopefully it means all types of contact. its just stressful. christmas and shopping and no job and then the email and the break down of extreme frustration and just helplessness and then this.. which just makes me angry. so angry. all at once. its exhausting. why can't he just go.. meet some chick fall in love and get married and move to like.. Russia. or something. and leave me the hell alone. i don't want to talk to you. i don't want a friendship anymore asshole. you ruined that several times. game over. --------------------- AHHH!! STOP SCREWING WITH ME ! leave me alone! don't contact me and then act like a bitch. he better hope i never see him on the street.. I'll run him over. and that isn't meant to be funny.