No more sit D. I hate this. i hope andres still loves me. i hope sal isnt stressed out and mike is having a pleasant time. i hope bretts at peace... blah. i hope too much. grr.

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wow... am i being put in my place or what? its crazy. i never doubted that his pain was great. but its just really ironic. that word is gay. i hate it. hmmm. im going to go do something. this is dumb.

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a thought that crossed my mind:

the more i talk to people, and to myself... the more i think... maybe andres isnt the right person for me. I keep talking to them about this and i end up realizing all this junk. things I dont want in a relationship. my mom calls them red flags. she says i have to watch out for red flags now so that i wont be suprised later. i see so many. and i really do love andres... but sometimes I think about the way things happened and alot of things dont add up. and there are so many things I want that he isnt doing. like... a guy is supposed to pursue the girl. granted the girl wants to be pursued... but you can pretty much just judge that by common sense. and a guy loves the chase. and i told brett once that i thought he was only in it for the chase. i dont think that anymore. but maybe andres is the one who was only in it for the chase. he knew the drama he was getting into... and he is all suprised when these things take place. I know what i did was wrong. Im dumb. but cmon... like he coiuldnt see it coming. and yet he still pursued me. and now.. now that i gave up everything... where is he? was it all for nothing? no. not for nothing. i know i should be alone. but it makes me mad because its like he knew that all this would happen. and he is the boy. boys pursue the girls. thats how it works peoples. and i ALWAYS initiate everything. at least 99% of the time. he hasnt called. why? because i havent called him. but why should I? he wanted me to stop calling him. so i did and then he wanted to see me and now he isnt calling and Im so mad. gah. guys are so stupid. but no... he is hurt. ok so he is hurt. Im not belittling his pain... but I am hurt too. or does that not matter? because it doesnt feel like it. "it kills me to see you cry"????? really jerk? then why are you going through all this effort to make me cry? gah. Im such a hypocrite right? thats what anyone would say if they read this right? but its not fair. it wasnt allllll my fault. yeah. made bad choices. yeah. im stupid. but im only human and I am trying. is that not good enough? stupid adriana. who goes out for a birthday lunch with a "friend"? no one. if freaking my friend jayson said "hey jeni we werent together on our birthdays so Im gonna take you out to celebrate it"... even tho it was 4 months ago and we not going out. and then see a movie ALONE at his house? if I did that with my friend jayson... o MAN! let me tell ya of the craziness. Andres would FLIP! especially the alone part... but no. we arent going out. well maybe i dont want to go out. EVER! jerk face and a half. And what was he doing as he waited for me to finish making him dinner? thats right... he called... *drum roll please* ADRIANAjsdvfsfdsyvfsdf... blah. I dont care. i dont. really. cuz you know, i feel sorry for him. alllllllll this time he spent trying to be with me... and if THAT wasnt a mistake in ITSELF than I dunno what is. PEOPLE mAKE MISTAKES! and then I do stupid things and go off to tehachapi at night to a motel with my ex bf. yeah its bad but heck people... it was a mistake. and now after all that he doesnt want to be with me? aafter all that? Kill me now. Where is the love? thats a cool song. no but really.... he "loves" me? NNOOOOOOOo! thats not love. love is a jerk. i wann slap it in the face and never talk to love again because love is gay. maybe I should just vow to never get married ever. and be alone. forever. I really held andres is higher respects than that. he is supposed to be my friend above all things and this isnt friendly... i feel like poop. its like.. he had no one to hang out with 6 or 7 months ago and I was there. i filled a hole. woot. and now mike is back and sal and even brett and he doesnt need me. fine. im happy for them. all of them. brett once asked me if i would do it all over... i would always say yes... but now.. honestly.. I would never want to repeat this. I wish I didnt meet brett and sal in that rop class. so many things would be better. everyone would be happy. i would be me and not this... and brett and andres and all them would be friends. like its supposed to be. No one would be hurt of confused. Im sick of writing. Im not even making sense anymore.