sup bitches.

so basically i decided I don't have diabetes. or whatever. screw figuring it out. we're all dying anyways. I'm just going to forget about it because its most likely just stress. I should probably just schedule a check up tho. Speaking of appointments i see dr. k on Tuesday. I wonder what he will say.. considering.. either this stuff isnt working or things are just excessively crazy lately and it is helping but things are so crazy it seems like its not ish. er. something. but really.. i don't know anymore.. i mean pills and whatever have helped in the past but idk anymore.. i feel kinda blah and numbish. i feel like i don't really care about anything that i used to. my sexual libido is dwindling before my eyes and i am gaining weight. wtf. i am still tired all the time but thats because of the insomnia.. it seems like the 30 mg was working a lot better.. which is weird.. wouldn't more work better? It was dr. k's idea to up the dosage. not mine. i trust him, he has been giving me free packs because they are so expensive. he's been really helpful and encouraging. but i wish i knew of a way to relieve stress and anxiety without having to take a pill... some sort of physical therapy or something? idk what I'm talking about but there has to be other options. And at the same time, i am kinda worried. What if I stop and I am all screwy and weird. Not that I'm not already weird. But what if I can't function" wihtout them.. not that i can now..

its weird. I've said it before but it keeps popping into my head. its just weird.. sometimes I feel so normal. sometimes i feel like i am THE most normal person and everyone around me is the awkward one, the weird one, the socially incorrect one, etc. Sometimes I feel like I fit in to a crowd as well as anyone else. But sometimes I see a person with asperger's on tv or something and they seem more autistic to me. They just seem more uhm.. "aspergery"?? than me... and i think "I'm not like that" or i think "well anyone could relate to that". Maybe Dr. T was wrong? Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I am completely "normal" and totally weird. Or maybe its different to look at someone with asperger's than to be looked at. Maybe I notice things in them that i can't see in myself because I am just not paying attention enough to myself all the time. I asked Tim. I asked him if he really thought I had AS. Like if he was sure or just kinda sure. He said 100% sure. I trust him so I'm sure he's right. The other day we were watching grey's anatomy and one of the doctors has aspergers. but she seemed so much more awkward than i am. more socially offensive. But then again.. there's always the whole different variations of AS and different backgrounds and personalities and environments and stuff. So yeah. But still. Then. There are times I am sure myself. like at work.. i thought this job would be different. The first few weeks were great. Well the whole time has been great... but i mean like.. the first 2 weeks I didn't do anything or notice anything i did that would become a problem like in previous jobs. But there have been things lately.. not big things.. some thingss no one would even notice but me probably. One thing happened on Thursday. My boss came in to talk to me. And i was eating something before he came in. and in the middle of him talking I took a big bite. when he left my coworker laughed and told me what i did and said i shouldnt eat when he's talking to me. But i didn't even notice I did that.... and i felt really stupid. I asked if he reacted to it but he didn't . honestly, even if i did know.. i didn't really understand what the big deal was until my coworker explained it to me.

I miss Casey and Amanda. I miss MW2. I miss Sleep.

I wish we were ready for a baby. I know we're not... and its my fault.